Intimacy with Self
“She had been looking all along for a friend, and it took her a while to discover that a lover was not a comrade and could never be — for a woman. And that no one would ever be that version of herself which she sought to reach out to and touch with an ungloved hand. There was only her own mood and whim, and if that was all there was, she decided to turn the naked hand toward it, discover it and let others become as intimate with their own selves as she was.”
–Toni Morrison
I came across this quote several months back. I don’t recall where or how but ever since it has haunted me, in a good way, floating in and out of my mind. I love the strength and wisdom it implies and invites. When I pulled it up for this post and read it again, the image of the Manet’s painting Olympia came to my mind (okay, yes, I was an art history major in college). This painting was hugely controversial when it was first exhibited in Paris in 1865. The model is unabashedly a prostitute. She gazes directly, unapologetically, even boldly at the audience. She exudes a cool self-confidence, natural sensuality, inner strength, command of her situation and ease with herself and her position. Her left hand secured on her crotch sits as though saying to the observer: “I’m not giving it all up for free; you want me to move the hand, you pay”. This is a woman who owns her space and does not seem to need anyone, other than herself, to claim her identity. I admire, envy even, the energy she puts out and Manet captures in this painting. Not that I identify with her profession but, to me, the image captures what Toni Morrison’s quote speaks: a woman’s often diverted search to the center of herself to find, touch, validate and love herself in the way no other person can.
Becoming intimate with ourselves: this is a biggy. It seems easier to be intimate with another person than with oneself. With another, we can choose what to show and reveal but not so much with oneself. At the end of the day, I can’t selectively pick what I show myself (wish I could). Moving toward true intimacy with myself, I see the things that are unsavory, unsettling, unreconciled…yuck. Who wants to spend time there? It is easier to seek validation of myself from another based what I present and they see. But then there is the unresolved; the knowing I’m not living into, accepting and honoring my truth. I’ll forever have a gloved hand. I’ll be an Olympia not able to hold Manet’s gaze. Guess I have some work to do.
Blog: https://whotheheckisthis.wordpress.com

*A MUSICAL ASIDE: Twenty-One Pilots has a song called “Car Radio” from their 2013 debut album, Vessel. The song is almost more of a spoken word poetry piece than a song. I first heard this performed live at Firefly Music Festival. I was not familiar with any of this group’s work but this song pulled me up short when I first heard it even though I didn’t know any of the lyrics. The intensity with which it was performed by lead singer, Tyler Joseph and drummer, Chris Salih (seriously-he is the most inspired drummer I have ever seen) was riveting to me. I have subsequently listened to it many, many times and reviewed the poetic lyrics: they are raw, questioning, urgent, circular, imploring, unsettling yet strangely hopeful. Honestly, I can’t pinpoint why this song moves me so much. But then again, this is the beauty and power of music — -it can move us just because. Below is a link to the song and a portion of the lyrics from the third verse.
“There are things we can do
But from the things that work there are only two
And from the two that we choose to do
Peace will win and fear will lose
There’s is faith and there’s sleep
We need to pick one please because
Faith is to be awake
And to be awake is for us to think
And for us to think is to be alive
And I will try with every rhyme
To come across like I am dying
To let you know you need to try to think”
-Twenty One Pilots