Withholding
Often in yoga we practice inhaling and exhaling very deeply in three distinct parts. This is called the yogic three-part breath or Dirga Pranayama. The exercise calls for us to exhale completely, sucking the belly way back toward the spine to release all the air possible, then slowly, from the bottom up, fill and expand the lower belly, then the rib cage, then finally the upper chest to between the collar bones. The exhale then happens in reverse: releasing systematically from upper chest, through rib cage, down to low belly. This practice is instantly grounding and calming, relaxing yet energizing. Often when practicing this exercise in class the teacher will instruct us to sip in a bit more air, just a bit more, and then even a bit more at the top of the inhale and then similarly on the exhale, the teacher instructs us to push out just a bit more, a bit more to encourage the most full and deep exchange of new air into the body. It is always somewhat amazing to me how much more air I can take in or exhale when instructed this way. Our capacity to fill and release is far, far greater than we know.
The other day my husband and I had a three-hour conversation in our kitchen about “us” and where we are now and where we are headed as a couple — which, to be honest, has been looking quite bleak. Over the past few difficult years we’ve experienced together we have never taken this amount of concentrated, uninterrupted time to just talk, keep talking and then talk some more. It struck me after this extremely important and honest dialog, that it was a lot like the Dirga Breath: we held time for each other allowing us to go deeper, and a bit deeper and then even deeper still expelling lots of stale stuff near the bottom. At the end, we didn’t feel we had resolved everything and that all was rosy again — that would be too much like a Disney movie (break into a dancing duet of love and reconciliation….). But I came away feeling a release, a softness and a lightening from the honesty and candor we shared.
My tendency has been to communicate very little with my husband about my feelings because I have felt like I need to have “it all figured out” first before I open my mouth. Or I fear he will judge me or my thoughts and opinions. I know that all the back and forth, on and off with my recovery as well as the difficulty of my time while I was depressed has been so, so hard for him. I have incorrectly assumed that no words are better than the wrong words or uncertain words or words of confusion or the admission of failure. I recently read a short post by Madisyn Taylor called “Withholding” from a daily communication I get called DailyOM. In it she says: “Emotional pain is at the root of our tendency to withhold, and withholding causes pain to the people subjected to it. It is a dysfunctional pattern that creates a breakdown in communication and understanding….Feeling ignored, disrespected, or shut out, and to not know why, is a terrible feeling.” It struck me, with sadness, that this is what I have been doing with my husband.
I am trying to take this bit of wisdom, these observations, and look more openly at what and how I can change. I am not seeking miracles or Disney outcomes but I am hopeful for more depth and honesty as I try and exhale just a bit more, and even a bit more.
From blog: https://whotheheckisthis.wordpress.com
*A MUSICAL ASIDE: Joni Mitchell originally wrote the iconic song “Woodstock” in 1969 while she was in her hotel room in NYC watching coverage of the epic music festival on television. The song has become synonymous with all that the event at Yasgur’s Farm and the 60s in general came to represent. I’ve attached a link to a version of this song performed by a young, exciting artist named Heather Maloney and the group Darlingside. I have had the pleasure of watching Ms. Maloney mature as an artist over the past several years and worked with her on a few occasions. Ms. Maloney is an extraordinary talent in her own right and embodies some of the Joni Mitchell elusive wistfulness, unbridled and distinctive vocal emotiveness and a gift for creating poetry in music. Ms. Maloney lives and wears her music when she performs. She closes her eyes and lets her whole face and body be moved with it. This performance of “Woodstock”, with arrangement by Darlingside, nods to the original but adds a bit of quirkiness and complexity that makes it feel fresh and appropriately updated. In addition to the link to the Heather Maloney/Darlingside version I have also attached the link to Joni Mitchell performing her song….I encourage you to watch both! And check out other work by Heather Maloney. Her most recent album is called “Making Me Break” and I love it.