Intro to my Memoir —The Hunger of My Heart
I have taken a challenge by Positive Writer to write something difficult. I chose to share the intro to my memoir because it has been the most difficult thing I have been writing. I have worked on it for the past 11 years and deleted it 7 times and started over. Even now I only have the intro written.
I was twenty-six years old and reading the names of the pills my psychiatrist prescribed for me. One said anti-depressant another one anti-anxiety. These labels didn’t bother me, but the last one really got to me. It read anti-psychotic.
So there it was in black and white: I was insane.
I have never gone without food, though, I have known poverty. But when I read those pill bottles I realized how terribly hungry I was. A deep insecurity filled me. My life was not supposed to turn out this way. I wanted things set right for me as well as for anyone else who suffered as I did. But how would I do that? I was clueless on how to turn even my own life around, let alone anyone else’s. Though answers unwind over time like the unknotting of a ball of thread, I have realized I have nothing to offer you, except, to show you the choices I have made whether for good or bad. The rest is God’s work.
“Some people believe there are many different pathways. This is an illusion, there are only two, light and dark.”
I was dreaming of being in a meadow full of different colored sparkling holes in the ground, intrigued, I went up to one and looked in. The color of the hole turned pitch black and I almost fell in but God saved me. All of the holes in the ground would have turned into oceans of black because Christ alone is the path of light.
This happened during one of my many episodes but I know it was God. I have been hearing Jesus’ voice since childhood, maybe even from the womb. Jesus’ voice is different than any hallucination I have had. His voice resounds from within me, reverberating throughout my entire being, is masculine, and I can make out complete sentences. I like the description of His still small voice found in the NIRV Bible.1Kings 19:12 says His voice came to Elijah in a gentle whisper. I like this because His voice is steadying, calming, and gentle to me, even in the midst of hallucinations.