5 Reasons Why Progressives Are Fucked

Penn Name
4 min readAug 22, 2017

With Donald Trump’s poll numbers in the shitter, and an ongoing Russian probe that, while quiet recently, continues to uncover all manner of crazy ass shit progressives and liberals (hard to tell which I am, think I’m both?) should be over the moon and many of us are. But it’s hard to shake the feeling that again we’re going to be fucked by our own arrogance. After all, it’s not like a country has never been ruled by a minority group before. So here are the main reasons I’m not so optimistic.

  1. Democrats suck at winning - It takes monumental failures like George W. Bush to get involved in mobilizing, organizing, giving money etc. Mostly we just sit around drinking our craft beer and cocktails laughing at whatever stupid backwater thing the president or his followers are saying or doing. We also can’t agree on anything at all. I happen to live in a caucus state and it’s the fucking worst; now that I have kids I don’t even go. All it is really smart people bitching about the wording of a resolution that won’t even be adopted at the state or local level. This ultimately leads to frustration and fracturing of the party.
  2. We’re scared to be have a progressive message — Democrats seem to think that we need to be moderate to win elections. I’m dubious. The progressive wing of our party sees clearly what the problem is. It’s over-reliance on the free market to solve economic problems. It’s the gutting of government programs that help to alleviate income in-equality. We can defend these programs. We can have a nuanced message without talking down to people. Think about the trickle down theory of economics that has become and article of faith for Republicans. Do you really think that made intuitive sense the first time they said it? It was through slow methodical messaging that that nonsense became “common sense”.
  3. Voter Suppression and Gerrymandering — Look. If you can’t get a white person to understand that they benefit from being white. You're never going to convince them that voter ID laws are set up to deter people from voting. I own a home, but before I did I rented and moved every couple years or so. Thank god I lived in Minneapolis for most of that time so voting wasn’t a huge hassle. I probably would have still registered to vote if and gotten my license updated when I moved. But I was single, no kids, I love politics so it would have been relatively easy. But having to supply your fucking birth certificate? Really? Anyway this issue is near and dear to my heart but I really can’t think of a positive argument for making it easier to vote that won’t fall on deaf ears to anyone who is a republican.
  4. We don’t have a message that resonates with white people — I know I know and I fucking hate that after all this time, we still need to coddle white people. But if Trumps win in November taught us anything it’s that you can still win by appealing people’s base instincts about race. I honestly don’t know what to do about this. Maybe the aforementioned “Progressive Message” may help but they you read shit like What’s the Matter with Kansas, and it’s like oh right, I have no fucking idea. Maybe we just need someone to calmly explain to them that we’re in an economic inflection point and it’s not immigrants or gays that are ruining America, it’s policies that are designed to keep the rich rich and the poor poor. It’s a national and even global embarrassment that we always need to appease white people. I’m just going to leave that there. Because it really pisses me off.
  5. Progressives and Liberals Aren’t Sneaky — I need to give a shot out to Joe Soss, a professor I had in public policy school for this one. Progressives suck at enacting policies that help them in the long term. Let me give you an example. Republicans are a big fan of block grants to states as opposed to direct funding. The stated reason is that states no best what to do with the money and the Federal Government shouldn’t dictate how to spend that money. But of course this is a lie. The real reason is that block grants are politically easier to cut. Say you have a federal program that provides free lunches to low income youth. It wouldn’t look very good to cut a program like that. But if that same program was rolled into larger block grant that included say: after school activities, pre-K funding, and arts education all of which, because it’s spent largely at the discretion of the state and hard to track, can be cut by 10 or 15% without any real political problems. Republicans of masters at this kind of thing. Almost all their policies proposals aren’t about addressing the stated concern their about something else. To their credit and their detriment, Democrats pass bills to address real issues. Need healthcare? Here’s Obamacare. Banking Regulations all fucked up? Here’s Dodd-Frank. I am not really sure how to fix this problem either.

Wow I thought I’d only have like 3 things to say about this. I’m really fucking sad now. Does anyone have anything I can be hopeful about?

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Penn Name

I’m half way through an instructional book about becoming a humorist…can someone pay me now?