Always dating the wrong person? The reason may be deeper than you think!
Ever stopped to wonder how all you seem to do is jump from one disastrous relationship to the next? That your love life is stuck in a not-so-nice pattern that you just can’t seem to break? That you keep attracting partners that can’t give you just what you are looking for?
Or rather that you are attracted to such partners, whilst ignoring the ones who actually want something real with you? How many times has it happened? Uncountable, such that you can’t remember any relationship that was actually good?
Studies into these ‘relationship patterns’ have, over time, been able to establish a connection of this harmful behavior with something that goes much deeper — our childhood. The way a child is brought up, and his/her relationship with the parent/s has a sizeable role in deciding how that child’s adult/romantic relationships will turn out.
According to the relationship expert Jordan Gray, we tend to fit into the role that is required of us to be played in our family. The way our parents interact with us modifies our behavior accordingly. If our parents couldn’t say no, we became more demanding. If they were too strict, we learned to walk on eggshells and become self-sufficient. If they were caught up in their own issues, we learned to deal with our own emotional problems or find external validation.
As equally intimate and formative relationships that parental and romantic relationships are, issues from childhood often seep into adolescence and extend way beyond it, into adulthood.
Common childhood issues that impact your love life
Dependency
Are you usually attracted to people with a strong personality who like to take charge of every situation and make sole decisions, like where to eat, which movie to watch, what couch would look good in the living room, etc.? Do you not like participating when it comes to getting something done, and would rather have your partner do it instead?
Sometimes, parents tend to make and take decisions for their children even after the children are old enough to make their own mistakes and learn from them. Although it is a natural parental reaction when kids are very young, doing so even after they’ve grown up can leave them incapable of taking charge of their lives.
As adults, these people also seek emotional/mental dependency and validation. They are never enough for themselves, and need another person’s presence and approval to ‘complete’ them.
Abandonment
Does every new relationship make you think “This one will work out. This person will not leave me.”, with the partner walking out eventually, every single time? Are ‘trust issues’ a large part of your life?
People who have faced physical or emotional abandonment from their parents as children tend to carry this fear into adulthood. The relationship seldom works because of the person’s need to hold on to close relationships for dear life out of fear that they won’t work out, while being afraid to trust the partner completely.
These kids grow up believing that they cannot lean on anyone for support, all the while craving a relationship that reassures them of security, yet not letting the partner in for fear of being vulnerable and open to hurt. This creates a vicious circle that’s not good for either party.
People pleasing
Are you a very, very giving partner? Do you always put your partner’s needs before yours? What they want, what they think, how they feel? Do you often feel guilty or selfish to follow your heart or look after your needs?
This is also seen in people who have faced abandonment as kids. If their emotional needs go especially unmet, they can become very passive and sacrificial in their relationships. The underlying belief is that, if I make my partner happier than anything else in their lives, then they will have to stay. In the long run, however, your partner feels pressured to be happy for your sake while your emotional needs go unmet. This creates frustration, and the bitterness slowly sets in.
Feeling unlovable/Unworthy of love
Think about this. Have you always attracted partners whose love you had to earn? Were your partners usually ones who were not likely to commit to anyone, and you dated them believing you could make them fall for you?
This sense of being ‘not good enough’ stems from parent who are not very positive in their method of upbringing. This includes negative reinforcement, reverse psychology and constant criticism among other things. These kids grow up to find partners who are exactly like that, and whose love needs to be obtained through efforts of proving yourself. This always ends up in a relationship that doesn’t work out because one partner always seeks approval while the other may feel suffocated.
Entitlement/Unrealistic expectations
Have you been told that you are too demanding, very difficult to please, a difficult person in general, or simply spoilt? Did your partners often leave the relationship, exasperated?
Parents who give their kids everything growing up tend to affix a notion in their kids’ minds that they can get away with anything. Children take undue advantage of this inability to say ‘no’ to test just how much they can get away with, which is mostly conformed to material things. Parents who are weak-willed or too caught up in other things tend to overindulge their kids to keep them happy and hence, quiet. This leads to unrealistic expectations from the kids, which carries forward to adulthood.
Punitive behavior
Are you very hard on yourself when it comes to living life? Are you an achiever who must get things perfect with no room for error? Does a mistake need to be punished? Do you behave the same with other people as well, including partners?
This habit is instilled in kids who have strict parents, who withhold love and appreciation when the kids make a mistake. Performance oriented and highly demanding parents lead kids to believe that they must be perfect, and so should those close to them.
Okay, so, have you identified your relationship pattern now? How do you start fixing it now? The first thing to do is sit and break down your relationship patterns. Identify the issues in the relationship. Try to understand where it stems from in your childhood. Once you address those core issues, you will know exactly what you need to deal with. And once you know that, you can start the process of closure and healing — a step towards cultivating healthier relationships. Break the pattern!
For more info, read the articles at Oprah and Jordan Gray Consulting.
