I am bad at this.

I’ve been asked the same question a lot lately, and I’ve had quite a bit of time to think about it. I turned 24 this year, a lot of my friends are getting married, it’s all great and lovely for them.

But then people feel the need to ask me that one question.

“Why don’t you have a partner?”

It’s a silly question. I just shrug and say I’m preparing for my life with a couple of cats, and that I like the idea of being that weird old woman down the street that all the kids think is a witch. Quite honestly, that does sound rather cool.

But the truth is that I am absolutely pants when it comes to dating, so much so I believe I am broken in some way. It’s not that I don’t enjoy having a partner, because I do, it’s just I’m not very good at it. That’s not just me being icy because of the negative incidents that I’ve had with opening myself up to people- I’ve always been like this.

In the words of the wonderful Jade Valerie “Yeah, I suffocate quick, does that make me a bitch? I don’t really care, no.”

I like having my own space. My very first boyfriend was quite soppy and would phone me up for hours upon hours, and unfortunately I saw that as cutting into my own time, so I’d ignore him and watch a dvd or play on a game and let him ramble on. He’d also attach himself to my face in a process known as “kissing” and there were times I’d carry on doing whatever I was doing- including talking. I was an awful girlfriend.

I love excitement, but I will choke when things get serious. I’m not a proper grown up. I still eat Billy Bear Sandwiches, that mysterious overly processed crap is great. So how can I possibly be in a grown up relationship? I don’t take it too seriously. I like to have pillow fights, I like teasing and doing silly stuff. I know you can do both, but for some reason I just panic.

That being said, I have been in love. Lovely lad, deserves great things, and I was a lot better at dealing with the relationship than I had been with my previous attempts. I care a lot about him, but we wanted completely different things so we’ve remained friends. People find this weird. I’ve been on dates where they’ve told me to cut off contact with Erik so that things can go forward. That’s an absolute no for me, I like it when people trust me, but whatever.

Dates themselves are difficult. I get tongue tied and so nervous, even if I don’t really like them. I’m just not very good at social situations. I’ve been asked out on quite a few, but people tend to go get meals and well my issues with picking food tends to be an immediate turn off. I’m not exactly the best looking person out there, so of course I get myself wound up about that too and I’m boring as all hell, so as you can imagine it’s an incredibly dull evening.

Here are some bad date moments I’ve had:

  • I have vertigo, and once I was having quite a bad time with it, and instead of cancelling my date or explaining it to them, I just gripped onto the table trying to stay up right.
  • His ex turned up to start trouble and I ended up wrapping her hair around my arm, dragging her to the floor and tried to kick her in the face.
  • Did the place up all nice and romantic, with the promise of making him a meal. Forgot to buy food and had to do with packed lunches by candlelight.
  • Openly laughed in his face when he told me he was stuck on a tutorial in a game.
  • Sprinted off when she tried to kiss me. Saw her the next day, and tried to pretend I didn’t do that.
  • Accidentally said my own name wrong at the start, then didn’t speak for the rest of the evening.
  • I jumped out his window for reasons unknown.
  • I fell asleep half way through.
  • Now this one is him, but he told me he was a werewolf and wanted me to walk him with a collar and lead. For some strange reason, I didn’t immediately leave.

Best date I ever went on was when we cancelled because of the snow, and played a bunch of Final Fantasy IX together instead, reading the dialogue out, it even ended with a kiss… one that resulted in my labret in my lip accidentally getting stuck in his lip ring and us both being unable to unscrew our piercings because our faces were in the way. His mum had to set us free. It was quite possibly the worst way to meet your boyfriend’s parent. That was the best, and yet still incredibly embarrassing.

I don’t know why I am so bad at this. I don’t know how people do it so naturally, so I will gladly take the cat lady title instead.