WWE 2K20, A Struggling Game, Recap Part 1
Before we begin, I want to make it abundantly clear that I know the absolute bare minimum about wrestling. Game design? Yes. Wrestling? No. But when WWE 2K20 was brought to me, with wild eyes and a grinning face begging me to play, I knew exactly what to expect. You see, I used to host an event called “The Sh!tfest”, where we would spend the evening basking in the glory of games and films that were “So Bad it’s Good”, and I know that giddy excitement on Erik’s face can only mean we’ve found another.
Twitter was exploding with #FixWWE2K20, although it’s not really something that caught my eye, I had no idea what was going wrong, or if it was simply minor things as I’ve seen people demand refunds for in the past. I was about to learn all about it in it’s Career Mode.
To start, you create both a male and female wrestler, this was a big deal for WWE 2K20 as I have come to understand it was their first time dealing with a female lead. I motioned to name our female Thumbellmeaner, since I’m short and mean, and decked her out with the incredibly limited customisation. The male was in Erik’s control. We giggled for a while over how one of the options looked like the man’s head grown to colossal size but his tiny face had not, so we had to pick him, but we gave him a ridiculous neon red beard to stop ourselves from getting too distracted by the size of his face. I now have a theory that shrunken faces might be why people grow beards, to hide the size, but that’s another story for another time. Slartibartfast was ready.
I asked at what point could we marry the Rock, but it turns out this is not a dating sim and instead I have to wrestle? Weird. Not what I signed up for, but we’ll commence anyway. The story starts with what I thought was people talking at our memorial, but was quickly informed we were becoming “Hall of Famers”. I think it might be like winning the King of the Iron Fist Tournament, but I’m unsure. Thumbellmeaner is up first.
The game tasked me immediately with beating the ever loving crap out of Ronda Rousey, and I was happy to deliver punishment to transphobes. I ask which button was my Devil Trigger, but was told that was not allowed in wrestling, however this gave me chance to flex one of the very few facts I know about wrestling- Finn Bálor sort of has a DT. Erik sputters, amazed at my ability to remember one whole wrestling fact, but it turns out this is an exclusive gimmick to Mr Irish Demon King. Boo! Feeling accomplished from impressing him with my first fact, I then lay down another about Finn Bálor. He has his name repeatedly on his knickers in case he forgets it. Erik shakes his head and simply says “No”. Well, you can’t prove that I’m wrong.
There was so many people on the screen I couldn’t keep track of who I was controlling, until I was told I was “the one who looks stupid”. That didn’t make it that much easier. While in real life the women involved in this match are very beautiful and probably not ridiculous, in game, Bianca Belair’s hair was so ridged, and almost appeared as if she was smuggling a stick inside it, and the rest of the cast didn’t get off easily either. But I suppose he was right in the sense that Thumbellmeaner was by far the worst. Her arms couldn’t move by her side like a regular human, instead she looked constantly constipated no matter what she was doing, and the cool dreads I gave her were no longer cool, more like a writhing mass of worms upon her head.
At one point, both Thumbellmeaner and Zelina Vega start going up some ladders to retrieve a dangling briefcase- wrestling is weird- and a random wrestler teleports out of nowhere and starts shoving his head up Zelina’s butt to boost her. How this helps, I have no idea. Slartibartfast is also equipped with this teleportation ability though, and proceeds to wail on his back, giving Thumbellmeaner a chance to waste time and look around instead of actually trying to reach the briefcase atop of the ladder which at this point had now become completely invisible. But what’s this? Ronda Rousey comes out of nowhere and… Holds her hand? Maybe this is a dating sim after all! But I didn’t want her… She then wraps her legs around her neck and proceeds to stop Thumbellmeaner from reaching up. I have no idea if I actually won this match or not, but I’m going to go with yes because a cutscene begins.
We cut to present day, and my God I was expecting Kratos’ voice to come out of our male wrestler’s man-beast of body, but instead we get Tobey Maguire. Thumbellmeaner and Slartibartfast discuss the reasons they may not have been able to get dates to the Prom in High School, and my only conclusion was maybe if they were more convincing as humans they might have had a better chance. The entire time their hair flails around wildly like it’s trying to escape the embarrassment of being in this game, Erik declares he thinks the story is that we’re Undercover Medusas, while neither of us listen to what is actually going on.
It’s at this point I notice something glowing red inside Slartibartfast’s mouth. I peer closer, and with horror, realise it’s his beard, inside his mouth. That’s right, there is no animation on the beard whatsoever, and does not move with the face, instead just clips inside his flesh and pokes through the inside of his mouth. Incredible. During the whole thing, I realise Slartibartfast is written to be an absolute moron. Himbos are in style, I guess, but they usually have charm on their side, unlike this guy. Thumbellmeaner on the other hand, lives up to her name, and the whole exchange is talking about some very important list, that she entrusted to Slartibartfast.
It’s only now we’re about to get some context for this car crash, but it’s clear that even at this point the game is struggling. WWE isn’t known for it’s incredible writing, it’s cheesy and fun, but this takes that to a baffling extreme. The controls for the actual wrestling itself are easily the best part of the game, but even that’s clunky, with characters sliding across the floor like they’re being controlled by strings to get hits to connect. Just to have a frame of reference I did a quick match on the previous year’s entry, which was vastly superior. I will continue to recap this, but I can feel that I’m in for a rough ride.
