A little trauma goes a long way aka arghh

Having attained the ripe old age of 30, it would loathe me to admit that when confronted with an unexpected social situation, I get struck by terrible awkwardness. Despite my best efforts at working on this, I often surprise myself by what actually happens.

Watch me at my recent best:

So, I was at some seminar a couple of nights ago and was introduced to a nice girl — lets call her X — about my age. We got to chatting a bit and I learnt that she was waiting for a friend — Y — who was running late. In fact, she had gotten some food for Y and switched seats with me so that she and Y could sit together. So far so good.

Y arrived just as the talk started and we managed to establish some common ground (same girl’s school, a few mutual friends) before I decided to be a model participant and tuned in to the speech.

After the seminar ended, Y and I continued with a bit of small talk on our way out. There was a slight lull in the conversation so I asked how she and X knew each other. Did they meet at work?

That was when Y and X looked at each other, paused, and Y said: “Actually, she’s my girlfriend.”

Mental Me: arghh omg what do i say?? Shitt I gotta be cool this is so awkwarddd (Obviously, most of my friends, or at least the ones I hang out with on a regular basis, are straight)

Actual Me: “Oh! I didn’t know! (Argh duhhh) Where did you guys meet??”

Y said something about it being unconventional, and then: “Tinder.”

Mental Me: Oh yay I KNOW this, I know TONS of people using Tinder. Ok not tons, but whatever. Tinder. Rhymes with Kinder as in Kinder Bueno.

Actual Me: “Oh wow Tinder. That’s so….. FUTURISTIC!”

Mental Me: Future-who?? Future-WHAT???? What is wrong with me? Did I just compare their relationship to a spaceship?? Somebody, kill me, please.

Ok this is where I stop because it actually does get a little more painful after that and I can’t believe they didn’t ditch me immediately and look for someone else more human to talk to. Oh wait they couldn’t — they were stuck with me on a monster escalator that stretched till infinity.

The moment we parted ways I crumpled into a foetal heap, sucked my thumb and prayed that time would rewind to the moment when I was at the cusp of deciding whether to stuff my face with the catered dinner or to be sociable and talk to that nice girl next to me. Always choose the free food, stupid, the free food.

So anyway, here I am, 2 nights later, still suffering from spasms every time i think about me talking about flying objects. Urgh. *shudder* urgh.

Ok that’s it. The End.

P.S. For the record in case this was not clear from the above, while I suffer from the occasional debilitating social ineptitude and an overwhelming urge (howsoever misguided) to practice my social skills, I am not homophobic.