On Unemployment as a new MBA graduate

I would have never imagined 2 years ago that I would graduate from the top MBA program in Canada and be facing unemployment 3 months after classes had ended, and 1 month after graduation. Never in a million years.

You see, my whole life, I have identified strongly with words like performer, high achiever, smart, bright, student, engineer, employed, amazing, brilliant, “one of the most talented students I’ve ever hired”, “I can tell already that you are going to go very far in life.”…to this.

Since I’ve graduated, new vocabulary has entered my consciousness, sneaking in during these newfound hours and hours of free, unstructured time. Words like loser, “not as good as everyone else”, underqualified, “not as good as I thought I was”, unemployed, lazy, useless, “I’m so bad at everything”, dull, stupid, “nothing I do makes any difference”.

There are other intrusive thoughts that have entered my mind, mostly around what my peers might think. No one has said it to my face, but I imagine this is what they must be thinking.

She probably hasn’t been trying hard enough.

She should just go back to what she was doing before.

She should be mass-applying every day, and doing coffee chats, not chilling with her friends and going out.

She should have specialized in something that would actually be useful.

She should have just taken the first offer she got, and she wouldn’t be where she is right now.

What was she even doing during the MBA?

I also imagine what the hiring managers and talent acquisition people are thinking, though most of it has been implied, not blatantly stated.

These MBAs think they’re so special- how come so many of them still can’t find work?

These MBAs love to talk, but when it’s time to do the job, you realize it’s just a lot of talk, and they actually don’t know how to do anything.

She needs to learn how to be more flexible- her role and salary expectations are too high.

I don’t think she really wants the job.

All of the above is just to show you how much of a mental game being unwillingly unemployed is. My behaviors have changed too. I no longer want to see people from my school, I’m much more cognizant of my spending, I barely go out, and I’ve started cooking every day so I’m not tempted to eat at restaurants. I’ve had to tighten my metaphorical belt.

I’ve turned down multiple requests from friends and family to travel, attend birthday parties, and plan get-togethers. I don’t feel like doing any of it, because all I have to talk about these days is the whole bunch of nothing that my life actually is. I realize now how used I’d gotten to telling everyone I was just soooo busy as an MBA student. I used to feel really good about myself when I was turning people down because I simply couldn’t squeeze them into my calendar. Now I’m turning them down for a different reason- I don’t want to spread my toxic negativity. I don’t want to tell news when there hasn’t been any good news to tell.

But honestly, it hasn’t all been a shit show. This unplanned sabbatical, this grinding halt, has slowly forced new awareness into me.

1. The MBA couldn’t have taught me how to be gritty if I wasn’t already. That means I’ve had what it takes to turn my own situation around since before the MBA. I didn’t need an MBA to teach me grit- they recruited me because I have it already. In spades. The mindset I’ve had since I started the program 2 years ago was that doing an MBA was going to magically open doors for me, and somehow make my life easier. But that’s not true- only I, the individual, can make my own life easier. The MBA has served other valuable purposes, but magic is not one of them.
2. I may never again get back another sustained period of my life where I’m not working for someone else. At least not until retirement. A lot of people have been telling me this, but it’s been hard to accept as someone who did not grow up with a lot of wealth. And let me explain that. Because I did not grow up wealthy, I’ve always felt the urgent need to always be working. To always be doing something to get money and in pursuit of money. My parents did not run a business where if they stopped showing up to work one day, the business would keep making money and running itself. No, they were constantly exchanging time for money, and my own adult life had been a mirror reflection of that. So chilling, and trying to enjoy this “once-in-a-lifetime” period of my life for what it is has felt extremely counterintuitive, even though I am privileged now that I can keep a roof over my head, while I continue to look for work. I’ve slowly been learning to enjoy the free time.
3. I’ve started thinking a lot recently about what I want the rest of my life to look like. Even if it’s just a fantasy, I’ve been allowing myself to dream. And the stuff that’s been coming out has felt heretic. If I have to work, I want to travel for work, I want to change people’s lives for the better, and I want to meet a lot of new and interesting people. I don’t want to be the person who’s known for working the hardest, or being a high achiever. I just simply want to do day-to-day work that I actually enjoy. Something that won’t saddle me in front of screens and Power Points for the rest of my life. I don’t want to constantly be pursuing more and more skills to stay competitive. I want to just organically grow in things I’m good at, or I want to learn about, not what the company, or the industry is saying I should start studying or learning. An example of this is AI, and how everyone is trying to find out more about it and how it’s going to change our day-to-day lives. To be honest, I don’t really care. And I don’t want to be forced to care just because everyone else does. And that’s the truth. I’ll jump on the bandwagon the day I’m told I need to, but no earlier.
4. I can spend hours and hours doing 2 things: being creative and using Excel. This probably sounds so weird cause they’re both very different things. But I started a TikTok where I talk about #internationalstudentthings and yeah, I kind of love it. I have a passion for being an international student and I love sharing everything I’ve learned along the way. I’ve been like this for close to a decade, and the fact that I think it’s the only thing in my life I’ve sustained for this long means I must actually, genuinely love it. Now, in terms of Excel, y’all are going to laugh, but I constantly make projections on how much money I’ll have in the bank if I make X amount, spend Y amount and invest Z amount. I’ve spent hours just fantasizing about how rich I want to be one day. A girl can have dreams right?
5. I will never forget 2 kinds of people I’ve met along this period of my life: the ones who made me feel like shit and the ones who made me feel like I could fly. A lot of people, I’ve realized, don’t know how to be empathetic when someone in need reaches out to them. It’s not that they have bad intentions, it’s just that they don’t realize how much of a difference it can make in someone’s life if they consciously chose to be kind instead of supercilious. Yes, I know you’re important. Yes, I know you’re accomplished, but you don’t need to make others feel like they’re inferior, or not as accomplished, simply because you are. I’ve realized that the best kind of people are the ones who, despite the fact that they may be “high up”, brilliant, and accomplished, still choose to practice empathy, give encouragement and try to be helpful. They don’t judge. I hope I never forget this lesson when I too become “someone important” someday.

In closing, I initially didn’t want to write this until I finally found a job. But I think it’s important for those of you who will ever find yourself in this never-in-a-million-years scenario to hear from me. It can feel so isolating and shameful, thinking you’re the only one who feels or thinks this way, but I want you to know there’s nothing abnormal about it. It’s ok to feel like a loser sometimes. It’s ok to feel confused, angry, stressed, frustrated and like you want to give up. What’s important is what you do after. Keep working on something. Zero times zero times zero will always give you zero but a little ounce of effort every day will eventually reap results. Don’t give up. Brighter days have to be ahead. Believe.