Queer Spaces Are Sacred Spaces

Pulse isn’t just a nightclub, it’s a gay club. The distinction is important: gay bars are a long-standing safe haven for queer people. They feel personal and sacred to us. It feels like that shooter in Orlando stripped LGBTQ folks of something intimate, like he shattered a magical gay shield that kept us safe.

That breaks my heart. It’s broken all of our hearts. But in the wake of the massacre in Orlando, it is imperative we celebrate — and not abandon — the sanctity of queer spaces. At their absolute best, gay bars are places where people of all genders, races, ages, shapes and ability feel genuinely safe, comfortable, celebrated just being themselves. That ideal should be a reality in any bar that markets itself as a gay bar.

But all too often, gay bars are really only safe spaces for white, cis, affluent gay men. Honestly, a lot of gay bars don’t feel any “safer” or more welcoming to me than straight bars, even as a cis, white person. I quit mainstream gay bars when I realized I had to defend and explain my gayness whenever I went to one. Hearing the phrase, “You’re too cute to be a lesbian!” from a gay dude inside a fucking gay bar makes me want to cry big, fat teenage tears (and has). I’d almost expect it from straight dudes, because they’re idiots, but in a place that’s supposedly a queer safe space? No fucking thanks.

Over time, I discovered the queer spaces where I actually feel good and safe and myself, and ditched the places where I’m not the “right kind of gay” (a woman). The places where I’m literally just a walking cock-block whose sole purpose is to tell inquiring guys that yes, my cute gay friend is, in fact, single.

Nothing makes me feel more stripped of community like having to tell another gay person I’m gay inside a gay bar. The same goes, I assume, for people who are told they’re “too gay,” “not masc/femme enough,” “not the right ethnicity” “too chubby,” “not passing,” “too twinky,” “too butch,” and the list goes on and on and on. At that point I guess I’ll just go to Paddy McFinnigan’s with some Big 10 frat stars, right?

Because what’s the point of gay bars if they’re not actual, real safe havens for all us non-conforming weirdos out there? We’re all just here to drink and dance and feel good about ourselves. And that’s a special thing!

Gay bars are not simply places for white boys to kiss each other to house remixes of Circus-era Britney; they’re critical to queer survival, everyone’s. Here are some reminders for all of us to make gay bars a little safer and more special for everyone:

· Assume all women in gay bars are queer. They’re in a gay bar, the place where gay people go. It’s way more offensive to assume a lesbian in a gay bar is straight than the other way around.

· You don’t have to want to fuck everyone who walks into a gay bar! Just because you’re not into someone doesn’t mean they shouldn’t feel welcome.

· “I’m just not attracted to other races” is racist as hell and you fucking know better.

· Just because bi girls like dick too doesn’t mean they’re not queer enough.

· Bi guys exist!!!! They are alive and well and too deserve love and community.

· Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you understand all oppression. (Do I really need to say that?)

· All trans people are trans. Trans people don’t have to “pass” by your dumb standards.

· Quit asking trans and non-binary people about their genitalia! Jesus Christ have you never talked to strangers before?

· We can all see right through your whole “getting drunk and letting our thinly-veiled resentment of women run wild” thing and it’s so, so boring.

· Femme dudes are sexy.

· No queer space should have gendered bathrooms.

· Cis folks: Let’s understand and curb the insane privilege we wield. Let’s mitigate that privilege to our best ability.

· Beyoncé is not “your thing.” Beyoncé is everyone’s “thing.”

· Support each other, love each other, and hold each other accountable for making gay bars safe spaces for all kinds of queer people.

There are so, so many things I’m missing, of course, because queerness is brimming with nuanced non-conformity — how fucking cool is that? Queer strength relies on diversity. So where better to celebrate diversity than a gay bar?