unnatural levels of swelling (the allergist doesnt know whats up either)

i had my first anxiety attack in a long time

i had my first anxiety attack in a long time when my brother was driving my dads car down ********** ****** it was dark the streetlights were orange i was in the middle back seat trembling short of breath like when my dog comes back from a walk in the rain, the dog is in my stepmom lap front passenger seat my dad is behind her to my right

i feel like i should relish the darkness and freedom of college but my dad tells me don’t go out after dark and i trust him and believe him night shift for 10 years cant even help with my tuition i don’t put that on my application though, **** ***** (the dean of my institution lol) doesn’t care about the blood/sweat/tears my dad put in and that night he cut himself on what i thought was a pizza cutter on his wrist and my tia slept over with me, me next to her on what i thought was an impossibly large tv my brother later got Expo marker on because since my grandma had a round TV that it worked on he thought the flat one would be able to do that to (it didnt work)

as i move my hand to wish for his hand this is speeding in my mind and these tiny streets i might have to walk through and i see the hall my friend is supposed to live in and instantly think of the 26,000 dollars she is going to have to take out in loans and I’m afraid to be alone. i hug my dad twice as he leaves

and i feel as though i should relish the darkness but my anxiety attacks mimic my allergies now, they mimic my greatest fear of my throat closing up even though i havent eaten anything

i have to stop thinking about it sometimes

i take deep breaths

i take deep breaths

i take deep breaths

i take deep breaths

i take deep breaths

i take deep breaths

i take an ibuprofen

i take deep breaths

i take deep breaths

i take an antihistamine

i take deep breaths

i take deep breaths

it puts me to sleep

i made sure to brush my teeth

i take deep breaths

and forget

about the 10 year night shift

the 11 year day shift

the fact that that aunt that slept over will never be a manager

i forget

im safe

in my locked room

in the dark city

and ill stay here until sunrise

in my locked room

clothes on the floor because i couldnt find my retainer

i take deep breaths

i forget

i watch youtube videos

i forget

so my throat doesn’t close up.