Dear Diary

I must have said ‘I’m fine thanks’ ‘I promise, I’m fine’ at least 37 times, however I didn’t even mean it once. but hey, at least I survived the day…I wake up each morning questioning myself on why I am still alive and why didn’t I end it all last night. I say these words so that I don’t have to talk to people and let anyone in.

Who am !? I’m a 17-year-old girl. Who has been depressed since the age of 10….maybe even younger? I have wanted to kill myself since the age of 6. I made a deal with myself that I would kill myself one day and if not, get a disease and let it kill me. I had picked Cancer and so i started smoking, and now I can’t even go a day without smoking. I thought if I got a disease and died at least I would deserve the pain I get while dying.

I blamed myself for a good 15 years thinking everything was my fault….with my family, my friends even things I couldn’t control like the birth of me. I have never loved myself and would question the people who loved me and ask them why! Why would you love me? I’m just a broken girl.

From Day 1, the first time I took a breath, is the first time I knew I was a mistake. All my life I’ve lived knowing I’m one. I’ve hated myself for things that aren’t even in my control, but it’s the birth of me that has caused problems in people’s lives. Because I was never adopted by my Dad’s sister…..it caused war in the family. She has always hated my mum because my parents got an arranged marriage, and it became worse when she never gave me up. My dad’s sister is not capable of giving birth and their adoption papers failed, and because her birthday is one day before mine she wanted me. I’ve never been a family person and I don’t love my family I just put up with them because my parents reputations is high. I’m just trying to summarize my family problems….because if I start i don’t think I’ll ever end. My siblings have never failed to make sure that I didn’t know that i was a mistake. I am a huge mistake, but I’m still alive.