He broke me

I had a dream last night. It was more of a nightmare! 11 years ago on March 12 I was raped and I was only 6. I was in India attending a family wedding. Since that day I’ve always been haunted by crazy dreams of that man. And lately it’s been him doing that to me in different scenarios. I wake up crying or just scared in another way, and I don’t know what to do anymore.

Last night I had a dream that I was in the car with my driver and I saw a man approaching the car and I quickly told him to lock the door but he didn’t do it fast enough. The man opened the door lifted my shirt and ran a knife down my back chanting “I’m going to rape you.” I began to fight him off but he cut me. He cut me where I have my suicidal cut on my wrist and so I began to scratch my cut so blood could flow like my dream…I fought of the man but too late as he had already raped me. I was lying on the floor crying covered in blood. I woke up from my dream realizing my bed and shirt covered in blood. And now I’m been crying since 3 am and haven’t slept. This is what a normal night looks for me. I’ve been going through this for a long time. And I have never told anyone this as I’m afraid they’ll tell me to go see a “specialist” but no one can fix this either a specialist or me. So I keep quiet a go on with my day waking up to a fake smile and replying to messages at a normal time so no one knows I was awake that early.

The man has ruined why life. I don’t understand why he did that why he ruined a six-year-old girl’s life. Making me hate my life every day. I never wanted to live because of that man. He made me feel worthless and like a piece of shit. This is why I’ve never valued my body or me. I hate him for being the reason I can’t look at myself naked without crying. I wear a million layers so I look ‘big’ and not attractive, because I’m afraid someone will scare me again.

And I was scared again when I was 10 only four-years later at a swimming gala. When a driver decided to take advantage of a small confused alone girl. When all I was doing was looking for my car so I could leave. But no the man followed me and corned me and told me if I screamed he would kill me. He took me behind a car and tied me hands so I wouldn’t flight! And I did over and over again trying to run away but I felt so powerless and so worthless. That man did kill me that day. He made me lose my dignity and self-respect. After that day I’ve never attended a swimming gala alone or at all. I’ve been tortured by two men. And honestly I don’t know why I’m alive.