You and I

Words are my defence against the darkness in my mind, my only source of expression and distraction that genuinely benefits me.

I’m so dramatic and narcissistic, yet I feel that my true self is quite the opposite. I’m accepting and understanding and unbothered by most things, and I desperately yearn to be selfless and caring for all, to be absorbed by kindness and helpful, charitable acts towards others. Why am I then so self-destructive of my supposed “true” self? Why do I so knowingly embody what I cannot abide, what I borderline hate? So many questions. Only I can answer them. Leading to the most important and troublesome question: how do I answer them?

This is the obstacle I must overcome if I am to recover, to heal from the self-harm to my body and my life. But my every thought path inevitably leads to a blockade of despair. I just want to give up. I want to let the self-destruction be total and final, to consume me once and for all. It’s too much. Every drop of life adds to the already overflowing bucket that overwhelmed and drowned me so long ago. Every ounce of experience further burdens the anvil of regret that sits in my chest, crushing me constantly. I just want to let go.

But I’m the narcissist. I can’t help but create an audience in my mind, whether I truly want it or not. So I recognize you, my reader, if you’re there or not. I now try to fight both my self-hatred and self-centredness by focusing on you, by addressing you and offering you hope if I can, even if I cannot find any for myself. Please heed my words.

I’m not right. If you can relate to me, then do so, full-heartedly, and let it tear you down and attack your heart. But don’t ever give in. Just be, if that’s all your strength allows you, but never choose to do less. Existence is messy for everyone, and there are times when we feel better off without it, yet it is the only thing that every human can collectively appreciate. So appreciate it, please. And regardless of your current state, whether it’s the highest, brightest peak or the lowest abyss, believe that your existence can get better. Believe it so hard so that maybe I might believe it too. If you believe it to be possible, it can become a goal, which in turn can generate a plan and a subsequent potential for action and thus… hope.