5 golf one-liners that should never be uttered again
The following is a list of five remarks that are, unfortunately, commonly made on the golf course. Hopefully this piece will inspire a movement against them, because they’re all worse than being told the 18 holes you’re about to play are cart path only and feature punched greens.
“That’s a stroke!”
God, this is such a hacky line. The hackiest of hacky. It’s SO hacky. D:lkajsd;lfkjepoijapsdifpoas. I HATE it.
This one’s deployed solely when the person on the tee accidentally nudges the ball off of said tee when lining up at address. It’s at this point that the group’s comedic genius — a mix between Dave Chapelle and Bill Burr, but way funnier — shouts out, “That’s a stroke!” and waits for every foursome at the course to halt their play, drive over to where this scene is unfolding and give a standing ovation while weeping happy tears.
If this happens to you in the future, re-tee, turn around and aim at this person’s larynx. You’ll be remembered as a hero.
“Someone ate their Wheaties this morning”
Complimenting a playing partner after a prodigious drive is a nice thing to do. Truly. But if you’re going to do so by cozying up next to the ball on the fairway while sighing and proclaiming, “Someone ate their Wheaties this morning,” here’s an idea instead.
Don’t.
This comment is as original as a turd that’s been sitting in an abandoned Porta Potty*. Beyond that, literally no one eats Wheaties for breakfast, and it’s quite possible that no one has ever eaten Wheaties for breakfast. Take a gander at this bowl of soggy paper flakes and tell me it’s an appetizing meal. I dare you.
*I only recently came to learn that they’re called Porta Potties. For roughly the first 26 years of my life, I thought they were actually Porter Potties, named after some family with the last name of Porter. I’m an enormous moron.
“So, what’d you shoot on the back?”
You can always see this one coming from a par-5 away.
Anyone who’s even slightly experienced in the golfing world has encountered the following conversation:
“I shot an 83 today!”
*Said with a gleam in their eye* “Oh yeah? So, what’d you shoot on the back?”
HEY-O! SOMEONE CALL THE ZING POLICE, ’CAUSE WE’VE GOT A ZINGER ON THE LOOSE!!
This wasn’t worthwhile the first time someone used this and it hasn’t been in the thousands of instances since, either. We as a society owe it to ourselves to evolve past this bit. The health of our planet depends on it.
“All right, I’m heading home!”
This one usually comes from a place of good intentions.
That doesn’t matter.
When someone does something notable on the first hole — whether that be card a birdie, roll in a lengthy first putt or chip one in from off the green — they’ll scoop up the ball after their achievement and happily declare, “All right, I’m heading home!”
Honestly, they’d be doing everyone a favor if they did.
“OK, see ya bud! And when you get there, pack up all your belongings, rent a moving truck and relocate at least five states away! We don’t want you anywhere near us or our loved ones for as long as we live! Have a good one!”
“Did ya check the hole?”
I’m going to be vulnerable and transparent here for a moment, OK?
I’ve broken this line out before.
And I’m ashamed of it.
Here’s the scenario: Someone’s approach shot into the green is nowhere to be found once the players descend onto the green; folks are checking bunkers, peering behind and beside the surface and, eventually, begin wondering if the ball is merely sitting down somewhere just out of sight.
Then, right before the mood of the crew changes, five words are uttered to break the tension and generate a roar of approval that echoes up and down the country’s coast.
“Did ya check the hole?”
When I was new to the sport and heard this one, I put it in my pocket and unleashed it from time to time. I was proud, too. I’m asking if they checked the hole because, like, how crazy would it be if the ball was actually in there? Damn it, I’m hilarious and successful and handsome and cool. Until one day, I was hit with a stunning realization: It’s a sucky joke.
Also, of course the ball’s not in the hole. Did you see the horrific skulled wedge or were you not paying attention? The guy was 89 yards out and hit his dinged-up Pinnacle 157. He yelled “SHIT!” .7 seconds after contact and now looks like he wants to lie down on an active NASCAR track. You even heard the tree as it literally shattered into tiny wood pieces when the disaster of an attempt crashed into it. Be better than this. Be better than all of this. Please.
