Forget a Transgender Ban, Its Time To Ban ED
Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for War

Yesterday, President Donald Trump shocked literally no one by waking up after a long night of methodically, surgically, feverishly pleasuring himself to re-runs of Fox and Friends and tweeting something controversial. In this particular case, it wasn’t bashing his own Attorney General, or bullying Republican senators, or bullying news anchors, or bullying whoever else pierced his egg shell skin, but rather to announce that after consulting with “Generals and military experts”, that transgender individuals would no longer be able to serve the military “in any capacity”.
Trump posited the ban as a cost-saver and a distraction-eliminator. He refused to acknowledge that this is an instance, once again, of playing to the lowest common denominator, an attempt to eliminate anything or anyone that he doesn’t fully understand or that he is afraid of. It is simply a matter of cost and distraction, distraction and cost.
Then some interesting news came from a recent Department of Defense report on military spending. As it turns out, the DoD spent 5x more on Erectile Dysfunction pills than on any cost related towards Transgender Americans. Which begs the question-who should we really be banning here? If the transgender ban is solely a decision based on cost and distraction-it makes exactly 5x more sense to ban men with erectile dysfunction. Consider the following:
War-time is stressful. Stress puts great strain on the heart. If you have to literally ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex before taking Viagra-it surely can’t be healthy enough for war. Putting an unhealthy ticker on the front lines is surely a recipe for disaster.
Can you think of anything more distracting to other soldiers than a fellow soldier who has had an erection for longer than six hours?
Per the last four seconds of every Viagra commercial, common side effects include: Headache; flushing in the face, neck, or chest; upset stomach; abnormal vision; nasal congestion; back pain; muscular pain; heart attack; stroke; a drop in blood pressure; dizziness; rash; diarrhea; loss of vision; loss of hearing; shortness of breath; swelling in the hands, ankles, and feet; sometimes your mouth turns into like, a dolphins blowhole and you can’t talk anymore you can only spit seawater from your face; hives; inability to form new memories, all recollecations of your childhood are replaced with the opening of Full House; coughing. This is certainly no condition to be fighting in a war.
Soldiers under the influence of Cialis never know when the mood is going to strike. Let’s say, for example, while clearing houses, someone with ED happens upon an empty bathtub. It’s in that moment that they are transported in their minds eye to a beautiful hillside at sunset. They find themselves seated in that exact bathtub; to their right, their wife, seated in a different, totally separate bathtub. They hold hands. They wiggle as close as their porcelain chastity chambers will allow. They remember the carnal passions of their youth. The Cialis has done its job. Lost in daydream, has the soldier done his?
If any of the more sinister side effects occur while taking ED medication, the instructions on the box explicitly state to stop what you are doing IMMEDIATELY and call a doctor. Think about that for a second. I would feel much more comfortable knowing the man in the foxhole next to me wouldn’t be hauling off to call his doctor every time he got a funny feeling in his shorts. That’s a distraction. When you get distracted, you die.
