To the Rafters- A Celebrity “Jersey” Retirement Party
After the Brooklyn Nets retired Biggie’s number, I help other NBA Franchises decorate their arenas
Last night in Brooklyn, the Nets, ostensibly an NBA Franchise but currently fielding what would probably be a mildly competitive YMCA Men’s League team, retired the “number” of deceased rap legend Christopher Wallace, the Notorious B.I.G. The banner is marked with the number 72 (the year of his birth) and the lyric, “Spread love, it’s the Brooklyn Way”, a much better Brooklyn-centric lyrical tribute then, say, “Your daughter’s tied up in a Brooklyn basement.” It’s a strange move, retiring the jersey of a non-basketball player/celebrity, though not unheard of. The Nets have already retired Jay-Z’s jersey. The Knicks have “retired” the numbers of both Elton John and Billy Joel. People from New York are weird. That’s not the point of this though. The point of this is to imagine a world where other downtrodden franchises begin retiring numbers of celebrities who have little or nothing to do with their basketball team, ceremonies based solely on geographical coincidence and cultural impact.
I’ve picked nine teams and assigned them a celebrity, a jersey, and a number to retire. A few ground rules here. First, the teams may have experienced some success, either in terms of singular player achievement or division/conference championships, but the teams in question can have zero championships to their name. Second, the teams also cannot count championships won by their previous iterations (i.e., The Minneapolis Lakers are NOT the Minnesota Timberwolves). Third, we aren’t including the Utah Jazz, who have no championships but that’s really their own fault considering they had both John Stockton and Karl Malone at the same time. Lastly, the honorary retirees don’t have to be dead or even retired. Those are the only rules. Let’s get started.
Team: Charlotte Hornets
Previously Retired Numbers: None
The Jersey: Richard Petty, aka “The King”, is a native of Randolph County, North Carolina, the winner of a record 7 NASCAR Championships and 7 Daytona 500’s. Until the Hornets do the right thing and retire the “2” worn by Larry “Grandmama” Johnson, Petty will be the jersey to hang from the ceiling of the Spectrum Center.
Team: Denver Nuggets
Previously Retired Numbers: 2-Alex English, 33-David Thompson, 40-Byron Beck, 44-Dan Issel, 432-Doug Moe
The Jersey: John Denver. Denver was born in New Mexico and died in California, but his last name is Denver, he spent most of his adult life in Aspen, Colorado, and his most famous song is called Rocky Mountain High. Denver is not from Denver, but Denver is Denver. We give him the number 73, the year Rocky Mountain High was released.
Team: LA Clippers
Previously Retired Numbers: None
The Jersey: Tyrese. There are a lot of famous people from Los Angeles. There are a lot of musicians, actors, and models. There aren’t a lot of musician/actor/models. There are even fewer musician/actor/models who have starred in one of the most prolific and profitable film franchises in history. Tyrese’s triple talent threat encapsulates what LA is all about-money, vanity, perfect teeth. All of that means we are retiring Tyrese’s jersey, number 8, one for each Fast and Furious movie that’s been released.
Team: Memphis Grizzlies
Previously Retired Numbers: None
The Jersey: Elvis Presley. A man synonymous with Memphis. I’m kind of surprised The Grizzlies haven’t already done this. There aren’t a lot of obvious candidates in the pipeline. Maybe Z-Bo will get there one day. Maybe Big Country. Maybe White Chocolate. Those are all great nicknames. None as great as “The King of Rock and Roll”. We give Elvis number 68, marking the year of his famous NBC comeback special.
Team: Minnesota Timberwolves
Previously Retired Numbers: 2-Malik Sealy
The Jersey: Prince. The native son of Minneapolis. This one almost feels like cheating, because Prince probably would have been an all-NBA point guard, if he felt like it. Prince probably could have been the best Timber-Wolf of them all, if he wanted to snap ankles instead of guitar strings. Prince could have done anything. We are giving Prince a purple jersey with his infamous Love Symbol, and we bet we won’t even have to raise the thing ourselves. It will probably just levitate above the ground and float above us for eternity.
Team: New Orleans Pelicans
Previously Retired Numbers: 7-Pete Maravich*, 13-Bobby Phills*
* — New Orleans Hornets
The Jersey: Lil’ Wayne. Lil’ Wayne was born and raised in New Orleans. A lot of younger people may not know this, but there was a time when Lil’ Wayne was actually a very good rapper. This was before he turned into an amateur skateboarder or an amateur-amateur guitar player or an amateur-amateur-amateur guy who shows up every once in a while to recycle old, tired punchlines on Nicki Minaj bonus tracks. We are giving him the number 16, which according to Lil Wayne’s verse on Stuntin’ Like My Daddy is the age he purchased his first Mercedes Benz, a move that allowed him to “(redacted) 1,000 (redacted) and their girlfriends.” An impressive accomplishment. Without any rings or old Pelicans to reward, we will reward Lil Wayne’s place in rap history with a jersey in the Smoothie King Center.
Team: Oklahoma City Thunder
Previously Retired Numbers: None
The Jersey: Carrie Underwood. Underwood is a native of Oklahoma and the winner of the 4th season of American Idol. There isn’t a lot going on in Oklahoma, to be honest. I also imagine that Thunder fans will feel a certain type of way when listening to Underwood’s famous scorned lover track Before He Cheats and looking at old Kevin Durant highlights. Without much to choose from, I feel comfortable giving Underwood the nod. We give her the number 4 to honor her American Idol legacy.
Team: Orlando Magic
Previously Retired Numbers: 6-In Honor of the Sixth Man*
* — Yikes
The Jersey: Mickey Mouse. We are going to honor the guy responsible for half the tourism income in Florida, the mouse, the myth, the legend, Mickey. The team is named after Disney World’s Magic Kingdom, so I feel good about honoring Disney World’s most famous resident with a jersey of his own. We’ll give Mickey number 71, the year that Disney World opened.
Team: Toronto Raptors
Previously Retired Numbers: None
The Jersey: Drake. When it’s convenient for Drake, he admits to being a native of Toronto. Sometimes he’s from Houston though. He was from New Orleans for a while. I think if you were to ask him today he’d tell you he was born as just a little Jamaican Ting. Drake is however an “ambassador” for the Raptors, so we’re giving him a ceremony. He’s getting the number 0, to match the total number of people who remember anything about Views.
