Church makes me feel like a square peg in a round hole!
The churchgoers unwritten code of conduct
No, this is not a list of rules!
I want us to think about how our Christian group or church has an unwritten code of conduct, and everyone joining the group needs to follow it to conform.
You probably think that sounds weird, and that’s not our group!
But a congregation takes on it’s own unwritten unique code of behaviour and appearance.
To feel ‘accepted’ you need to follow this unwritten code.
Roy was cold-shouldered at church for not behaving the same
To give a real life example, Roy (name changed) was naturally jolly and bouncy, but the congregation was more sedate and ‘spiritual’!
Soon Roy was getting on everybody’s nerves, and this was intensified when the church went away for a few days of camping.
The reaction Roy was getting was summed up when he bounced into the room to get his breakfast, wearing a baseball cap with the peak at the back, and chirpily said, “Good morning campers!”
This totally broke the congregation’s code of behaviour!
Almost everyone gave out an inaudible groan, and Roy was increasingly cold shouldered.
Little groups would gossip about his inappropriate behaviour, and they would look down on his actions.
It was horrible, but being a young Christian, I was not brave enough to challenge people’s actions, and I was also scared of being the odd one out.
It didn’t take long before Roy left that congregation feeling very hurt.
I met up with him because I felt so ashamed of the group’s actions, and I tried to explain how I felt.
Obviously, he was upset and didn’t want to see anyone from the church, and my visit wasn’t helping!
I think he appreciated one person seeing his side of the story.
I have not seen him around since, and I hope he has had some sort of healing from that ordeal.
What was the crime for being snubbed by that church?
Roy had not done anything wrong — he just hadn’t ‘conformed’ to the congregation’s unwritten code of behaviour.
Paul tells us to:
Accept one another then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” ²
The word ‘accept’ here means ‘to take to oneself’.
Do we, or our congregations, uphold these often petty codes — at the expense of pushing people away?
Do we ‘take to oneself’ the newcomers who dress differently, who behave differently to what we expect?
The effects of being ostracised by a church
To show how important and damaging being snubbed by a group or church is, Stephen Parsons has made a summary of a study carried out by Kipling Williams:
“Ostracism, according to Williams’ model, has as its intention the undermining of four fundamental human needs.
Each of these needs contributes significantly to human flourishing.
Because they are actually things everyone requires to function successfully as human beings, the attempt to destroy them can create massive unhappiness.
This unhappiness can be so great that a person under this kind of attack might be tempted to surrender to despair or even suicide.
Williams’ four needs that are attacked by ostracism are a) belonging b) self esteem c) control and d) meaningful existence.” ³
The importance of ‘belonging’ within a church group
We need to look out for churchgoers who feel they do not belong.
The church congregation may be actively ostracising someone by removing the feeling of belonging, purely on the grounds of some trivial unwritten rules.
…the most important, the ostracised person will feel rootless and ignored if all his/her belonging is taken away.
Of course, we might think, such a person will immediately attempt to establish contact with other groups and find new ways of belonging.
But the irony of this is that the group doing the ostracising had typically taught the individual that he/she was to cut off all contact with family and friends who do not belong to the group…” ³
The importance of having ‘self-esteem’ within a church group
Churchgoers can be ostracised by putting them down, snubbing them, or completely ignoring them.
They may never receive any praise or thanks for what they do.
“The silent treatment will have the effect of undermining an individual’s confidence and encourage him/her to think of themselves as being permanently in the wrong.
Over a period the inner sense of self-value will plummet and the individual will lose all his/her confidence and morale.” ³
The danger of ‘control’ within a church group
The control of an individual can be achieved by fear of rebuke.
An authority figure can be charming, but people know there can be a fearful ‘bark’ at any point, and therefore the individual can be controlled.
Or the silence of a group towards an individual can be a powerful tool for controlling them.
“The loss of control will happen, once again, because a silence, which is never-ending, will leave one with a sense that the barriers that exist with the ostracising group cannot be negotiated with or overcome.” ³
The power of removing any meaningful existence
All these manipulating behaviours push the person further and further into a black hole, where there is no hope.
“The individual will be left in a deep sense of uncertainty, living in a kind of profound enveloping mist.
Finally the deliberate isolating of the former member by the group will be effectively a kind of social death.” ³
The problem of attending an authoritarian church
As a young Christian, I was in an authoritarian church, and they would not allow ‘dating’.
Two adults could not go out together on their own.
You can guess the consequences of such ‘laws’!
It was crazy, but the whole church embraced it and reinforced it.
The only way to counter that was to rebel, but that left you vulnerable to criticisms, cold shouldering, etc.
The other choice was to leave the church, but you would live with the regret of letting everyone down and being treated as an outcast and an ‘ungodly’ person.
The need to check out your church for its unwritten code
You may think that what I have written is extreme and would not happen in your church.
But you need to look beneath the surface and see what obstacles newcomers have to navigate through.
Obviously, the ‘unwritten code of conduct’ can be known as an ethos, and checking out the church’s ethos is good.
A healthy ethos is great, but we need to make sure it is not a mechanism of control for evil and abuse.
Do not brush this under the carpet, the church must be a place of safety.
It is important to help and intervene in these situations.
If you attend a church, do not let them put you into some sort of straitjacket, and don’t let a group mould you into something you don’t want to be.
The grey areas of ostracising a person from the church
I was a church warden in an Anglican church for a number of years, and a married couple started coming to church.
He had a past connection with a church, and his wife had no experience of church and was not Christened (that is to be baptised as a baby in an Anglican church).
They appeared to absorb the sermons, and were both taking communion.
The other church warden was unhappy about them taking communion, but I was relaxed and believed they could come to faith.
Besides, many people at Christmas, and at other times, received communion without being Christened and, or, not having any believing faith.
I chatted to them so that they knew the situation, and they were happy to continue attending church, to take communion, and explore the Christian faith.
Unfortunately, this situation was taken to the Rural Dean, who said they couldn’t take communion, so they left the church.
Where do you stand on such things?
We don’t want to put a ‘stamp of approval’ on anyone who isn’t a Christian, but we don’t want to turn people away when they are seeking for God.
Some encouraging words of guidance from the apostle Paul
“So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you:
Take your everyday, ordinary life — your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life — and place it before God as an offering.
Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.
Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking.
Instead, fix your attention on God.
You’ll be changed from the inside out.
Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it.
Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.” ⁴
References and credits:
1 Funny image by Alexas_Fotos from Pixabay
2 Romans 15:7 NIV
3 ‘Ostracism and Church — further reflections’ by Stephen Parsons.
4 Romans 12:1–2 from The Message Bible
