Seattle — Day 46: 11 Hours
Reflections — If you haven’t noticed, or haven’t been reading the past couple of blog posts, there’s been a ongoing theme from the Lord that’s been pressed on my heart and being drilled, or perhaps, hammered into my mind — complete, and utter dependence.
The past few days have been marked with dependence in matters such as feeling any emotional responses, physical health, being able to fall sleep, and even the capability to go to church. Well the theme seems to be continuing with new things to add to the list of what I’m being reminded to be dependent of. Today marked the day of utter dependency in being able to simply function properly, and understand things. I say this because it’s pretty difficult to concentrate, focus, and labor when you have to work from around 5:45 am till 4:30 pm. This is because there was online work that I needed to complete with people running on the Eastern time zone and individual project / presentation work that needs to be done by Friday. You put that all together and you get three fantastic days of 11 hour plus work days (in faith, this is not sarcasm. It will be fantastic).
Honestly, my mind is spinning as I’m even writing this post currently on the bus ride back from grabbing dinner. I had restlessness yesterday night as well, and was only able to sleep for around 4 hours, and just finished meeting with a brother from New Life Church for 3 hours after working (which I’ll detail later). All in all, it made for a pretty tiring day, but all in thanksgiving for the day He has made and give freely to me to steward. I’m being and will be for the next couple of days, to completely rely and lean on His strength and understanding to just simply function as a human being. It’s hard just to be very honest, and rough to do so much, but I’m thankful that the Lord has spoken that He will be with me through it all.
It was a solid reminder that I literally cannot function as a human being without being completely dependent on the Lord. That without Jesus and the grace He extends, I can’t even concentrate my mind on a thought, or incline my body to an action. It is truly by the grace of God that all things are willed the way they are in our bodies. The fact that our minds so intricately work the neurons with action potential and all that good neuroscience stuff to simply incorporate the simplest of functions. It’s incredibly bizarre to even think about. Yet, a truth, a firm truth, that I, we, need Jesus more than we can possibly even imagine.
In days like this, and for the next two days, there is a joy set before me that Christ has stood before me, and is with me through it all. Though it was rough today, and no doubt it’ll be rough for the next couple of days, I can trust and hope in the Lord that He will sustain me. That even if I’m pressed from all sides, I shall not be crushed (2 Corinthians 4:8). Honestly, its such an incredible privilege that my field of work doesn’t require me to do this consistently on a daily basis. I think about farmers, fishermen, market owners, bankers, and so many more professions, that have to wake up earlier than most, and finish the day later than most, because of the mandates of the labor. Though the next couple of days are going to be rigorous, I remain and hope to remain thankful at how privileged I am to be where I am today by God’s grace. All of this said not to boast in my career or profession, but to boast in the cross, and how generous He has been with me in according to the revealed portions of His will for me and my life.
Truly dependency extends beyond just a moment, an instance. It is a hard, but easy, a weighty, but light burden to carry, to be utterly clinging on the cross in every single moment, dream, hardship, struggle, temptation, and experience in our lives. It’s a calling to breathe, know that He is God and to trust in His sovereignty, as you act in accordance to the will revealed before you — to live no longer playing the whore, but as the sanctified bride of Christ. To be dependent in all things, means to pray and ask the Lord to be with you in all things, to strengthen you for all things, so that you may glorify Him in all things. Though I went to sleep praying Jesus be with me as I sleep, as I rise, as I work, as I eat, as I pray, as I worship, as I sing, as I laugh, as I encourage, and as I am encouraged, He pointed out, and shall continually point out, things that I am not and have not yet surrendered to Him. Today it was the fact that I didn’t cling to Him in fundamental functional capacity. How I grew accustomed to this grace, and let it sat in the back burner of my mind, with thoughts cradled by assumptions that He’ll always allow me to function well, that of course I’d be this way.
Everything is by grace. Really. There are so many people in the world who can’t function properly, because their brains are fried, cancer over taking them, mental illness engulfing their lives. Others who no longer have the desire to live, and therefore lose all drive to even lift their hands to eat. I think about Matt Chandler’s testimony of how when he got cancer, he lost all drive to do anything as he was undergoing chemotherapy. It was destroying his marriage, his ministry, his family, and himself. He was shown in that moment that truly the Lord can take away even simple things that we thought were assumed guarantees in life, in a moments notice. Praise the Lord that God revealed this to him, and that Chandler can testify to this overcoming in Christ now. May we be reminded through this story that all things are from Christ, that everything, even our ability to focus and concentrate, is a gift that we must steward for His glory, in complete, utter dependence.
There’s an old song I use to sing a lot when I was younger growing up in youth group by David Crowder. It’s a song about complete dependency. May we sing these words as a declaration in faith of what the Lord shall do in our lives.
Waves of mercy
Waves of grace
Everywhere I look
I see your face
Your love has captured me
Oh my God
How can it be?
Every move I make I make in You
You make me move Jesus
Every breath I take I breathe in You
Every step I take I take in You
You are my way Jesus
Every breath I take I breathe in You
Side note — I really liked waking up at 5 am. I’m highly considering making this a regular habit, perhaps not this early, but definitely pushing up my circadian clock. It’s just so sobering to be praying, reading the word, and seeking the Lord before the sun even rise, literally making Him the first thought of the new day. Hopefully in the future with more sleep in my system.
Prayer Requests — Getting back to a serious note, please pray that I would be sustained through this week. I don’t know how but I know the Lord shall, so please join with me in asking the Lord to be with me. Thank you.