Here it is, we’re probably leaving the EU.

Some might say that the outcome has roots in a complex web of contributing factors, but those people are stupid shitheads who deserve to sink along with the sodden, moribund relic that we still somehow call a country.

1. Despite the plucky underdog image that they have cultivated the Leave campaign represent the most powerful vested interests in the country. Rupert Murdoch iswiping his arse with your Remain ballot and then force-feeding it to one of the refugee children that he undoubtedly keeps in his dungeon as a source of tender, life-prolonging child meat.

2. About 85% of the country read the express or the mail and are now as a result unflinching, shaven-headed racists with tattoos on their necks. Vote Leave had the sense to print the word ‘TURKEY’ on a flyer along with a helpful map of what ‘TURKEY’ is and now the hordes of militant race-haters that white people joke about tolerating at Christmas are mobilised and ready to wrest control of the country from the pathetic, London dwelling, sickeningly bergamot-scented, guardianista liberal consensus.

3. I say this as one of millions of semi-informed and completely powerless citizens who, through virtue of having access to twitter has developed huge concerns about the role of the EU superstructure when it comes to the autonomy granted to member states to democratically decide on long-term economic policy within their own borders: Leaving the EU it is the stupidest thing Britain can do. Which is why the English haved flocked to polling booths in record numbers, dead-eyed, tongues lolling from side to side to emit a series of disquieting animalistic groans as they summoned the dexterity to hold a pencil long enough to vote Leave. Being painfully fucking stupid is a proud cultural tradition in England. Scotland will vote to remain, but another proud English tradition is dragging the Scots down with us and then making jokes about the poverty we’ve caused them. Stupidity will win because that’s how we do things. If you don’t like it, move to Scotland.

Who is to blame? You. You remainers who sipped complacently on your craft beer while this happened. Who scrolled lovingly through your Instagram feeds tagging your Black friends while the tide rose all around you. Don’t even bother voting. On the 23rd just call any and all German people you know and loudly cry hot tears of shame down the phone. The Misery is coming, you’ve earned every drop and this time you won’t be able to drown it with £15 burgers.

Let this be a lesson to you. Next time, never underestimate the sheer abundance of stupidity upon which our entire political conversation is built. Of course, there won’t be a next time. Have you read The Road? That’s what’s going to happen. I hope you’re pleased with yourselves.

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