Why Talking During the Film Makes You a Horrible Person

This is a conversation we shouldn’t be having.

You’re an adult — having a conversation you shouldn’t be having.

For the third time in a row, I’ve made it a movie night, bought my ticket, found my seat, silenced my phone and carefully patted my pocket to make sure my Skittles made it to the theater with me.

I get excited about seeing a film in the theater. I tend to remember the good times and always romanticize the feeling of seeing a new release in amphitheater seating, facing a massive screen with serious surround sound and take comfort knowing that the next 2 hours are going to take me on a journey…

I always seem to forget, though, that there are people in the theater that just don’t give a damn about all that. They’re here to talk.

We’ve Won the Phone Silencing Battle

Everyone seems to get that a movie theater is no place for a ringing phone. That ad campaigns worked. Shaming offenders worked. We did it.

In my experience, you don’t hear phones going off in the theater anymore. We’re reminded several times before each screening that we must silence our phones. We throw popcorn at buzzing phones. The people have responded. It’s working.

That’s why it’s time to invest those dollars into gripping ad campaigns that remind people they’ve stepped outside their own home and now have a direct effect on other humans’ enjoyment of the show.

It’s daunting I know, but we have more work to do.

Reviewing the Movie Theater Experience

Let’s walk through the movie theater experience again, shall we?

The crowd shuffles in, balancing their popcorn and drink combo carefully as they step over patrons to park at whatever seats remain. The screen goes blank and is replaced with the green trailer tag that’s followed with deafening sounds and blasts of color as the upcoming releases are touted to collective oohs and ahhs of the crowd.

Please note: This is a time when you can still speak.

You can lean over to your date or your kids or your husband and whisper: “That looks good” or “We should see that.” You can even say, “I can’t believe they’re remaking that.”

But then it’s time to shut up.

Now the featured presentation is starting. If you continue talking at this point, I assure you, we can hear you, and we hate you. You are not as quiet as you think. Your opinions of who the characters are and your comments that state the obvious and by no means make you a genius are making their way to my seat and affecting my movie experience.

You’re being selfish and it’s everything I can do to not excuse myself and accidentally drop my drink into your lap as I pass by.

How Do We Get You to Stop Talking in the Theater

I once spoke to a manager after a particularly upsetting experience where, despite my turning around and making eye contact with a disappointed look on my face that read “Really, dude? You know that’s not how this works, right?”, several people continued to speak out. The manager (who was probably just shy of 13 years old) explained that I should have come out and got someone.

I gasped. But then I would miss some of the film — something I will not do.

The manager explained that employees walk through the theater during the film to make sure everything is okay. I explained that I saw these same employees duck in, avoid eye contact with everyone and quickly rush back outside to safety.

What am I supposed to do with them anyway — stand up and point my finger at the offender? Listen, Pal: Snitches get stitches and this only ensures that the entire theater will be distracted, only now I’m more likely to appear the culprit.

The Easy Solution to Movie Theater Enjoyment

No, there is only way to combat talking in theaters — you need to shut up.

80% of the time, these are grown adults speaking as if they’re sitting in their living room. “Is that the guy from the beginning?” “Wait, he’s a bad guy?” “I bet she’s not really dead.” “See, I told you!” “That would never happen!”

What you’re doing is wrong and you need to stop.

C’mon, You Have to Be Better Than This…

It’s with a heavy heart that I say — you are a modern day monster.

Someone who talks during the film is on par with someone who leans their chair back on a plane while food is being served or someone who screams obscenities at sports events while children are around. You might even be worse than someone who posts vague comments on Facebook when they want you to feel sorry for them but they don’t want to share information.

Now, pay attention to this part because it’s simple and you need to hear it: You’re ruining everyone’s good time, and we don’t appreciate it.

Next time I find myself more concerned with hearing your voice than following the film, I’ll let this cold Mountain Dew do the talking for me.