6 Tips to Avoid Getting Your Pizzeria Embroiled in the Hillary Clinton Child-Sex Ring Conspiracy Scandal

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So, you’re thinking about opening up a pizzeria? Congratulations! Before you get too elbow-deep in kneading the dough and grating the “parm,” you should read these important tips on how you can avoid getting your pizzeria embroiled in a baseless right-wing conspiracy theory alleging that a former Presidential Candidate and Secretary of State operates a multi-state child sex ring out of mom-and-pop pizzerias.

1. First, don’t open a pizzeria. I understand it’s been your life-long dream and it’s the main reason you’re reading this article. However, 100% of the businesses currently accused of helping the Clintons run a child sex ring out of pizzerias are in fact pizzerias. The odds are stacked against you. Have you ever considered a taqueria? The profit margins are thinner, but — to date — not one taqueria has been accused of aiding the former Secretary of State in a child prostitution ring sweeping the entire eastern seaboard. Or better yet, stick to politically-neutral food establishments (subs) or conservative crowd-pleasers, like Chik-fil-A.

2. If you really can’t shake the dream of serving up some gooey Chicago-style deep dish (and who can blame you, right!?), try mitigating your risk. Your establishment and on-line presence should scream RED-MEAT. But don’t be too brazen (they’ll see through it.) Hang a Trump/Pence sign in a somewhat obscure but still noticeable area. A good spot is in the kitchen where customers can see it as the door swings open from time to time. Fox news should be kept on at all hours of the day. The menu should be devoid of gluten-free options (and probably shouldn’t even mention the word “gluten.”) You should be sure that your personal social media page (not the restaurant’s social media — too obvious) is rife with references to #MAGA and minutemen paramilitary organizations.

3. Ask the IRS to amend your tax returns to delete all references to tax-deductible contributions to the Clinton Foundation. The government will be happy to have the extra money.

4. Respectfully ask Mr. Clinton to leave the premises upon entry.

5. Establish your pizzeria as a place where parents feel there’s no possible way their child will be abducted. Hang a very large sign stating that parents are required to hold their child’s hand AT ALL times while in the restaurant.

6. Cut your pizza in squares, not triangles.

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