Quality Time With Pete and Deb — Getting a dog.

Peter Grosz and Debra Downing are alums of The Second City Theater, writers, actors and husband and wife. This piece was composed at home on their computer exactly as you see it. One person would write and the other would respond, essentially like an improvised written “conversation”. The content was not pre-planned. They only decided to talk about their new dog. They wrote it on August 11th 2016.

PETE: So we’re taking a little bit of a different approach this week. Instead of talking about the waking nightmare that is the presidential race, we’re going to talk about the fact that we got a dog! He’s a little Shih Tzu puppy named Frankie, named after Frank Pentangeli (or “Frankie Five Angels”) from The Godfather 2 and he’s currently taking a nap on the floor in the bathroom. When he’s not taking naps in weird places his interests include waking us up in the middle of the night to pee and climbing on our heads and biting our hair. I just realized if he were a human he’d be the worst roommate I’ve ever had.

DEB: He also likes nibbling on our earlobes. I think that is because we all have fat earlobes. If something terrible happened and he had to eat us to survive, he would probably start there. I’m not saying that he would do that, I mean, I only just met the little fellow and he seems nice enough. I’m sure the Donner Party were nice people. Oh God, how did this get so dark so quickly? I thought we were taking a break from talking about troubling things. Argh! OK, let me start over. Isn’t it great we got a little puppy? He gives me that warm fuzzy feeling, mainly because he is warm and fuzzy.

PETE: Yes, let’s keep it positive. I especially want to ignore the fact that our adult (and let’s admit it, overweight) cat, Umbierto, keeps looking at little Frankie and licking his lips. Which reminds me, did you buy a book called “To Serve Dog”? I saw it near Umbierto’s cat tower the other day but I’d never seen it before.

DEB: Umbierto figured out my Amazon account password and is finding all kinds of things he “needs”. We had a conversation about the difference between “want” and “need” and I guess that book ended up in the need category. By the way, if a large box gets delivered it’s probably the cat hot tub he ordered. He said he’d work it off by scooping his cat box. Don’t hold your breath, which is what I do when I scoop the box. Also, we are almost out of Soylent Green, can you put that on the shopping list?

PETE: Only if you tell me what that intoxicating flavor is. I just can’t put my finger on it. In all seriousness though, our cat and dog are not really getting along. Umbierto basically stays on any surface high enough to be out of Frankie’s reach and whenever he does descend to the floor for any reason Frankie chases him down and tries to play with him, which sends Umbi bolting up the steps that Frankie is too small to climb. Frankie is just being a puppy and Umbi is being a literal scared-y cat.

DEB: Well I think they are making progress. At least they can be in the same room together. My ultimate goal is for them to be best friend snuggle buddies. But, you gotta start somewhere. It’s hard, you can’t force them to be friends. When I was young I was such a goody two shoes that other kids’ parents tried to make their children be friends with me. It never worked. I wonder where the term goody two shoes comes from? Was there once a gang of lil’ rascals who only wore one bad shoe? I’m sure that’s right.

PETE: You’re right. It sounds like it comes from a time when all kids only had one shoe and if you were really good and played teacher’s pet you’d get a second shoe. What a cruel society we used to live in. And do live in currently which is why we’re taking a break to talk about cats and dogs. Speaking of dogs and shoes, are you going to make Frankie wear little booties when it’s snowing outside? We haven’t talked much about how much you plan on using him like a fashion model for dog clothes.

DEB: I do think they are good for protection against the salt that gets put on the snow so… maybe? I’m thinking some lil’ Uggs would be cute. He has a double coat of hair so he won’t need a heavy coat. Maybe a Poncho with “Frankie Five Angels” embroidered on it. Is it normal that we went through 175 Pee Pads in 1 week? Are we using them right? It seems like a lot… of peeing.

PETE: I don’t think you’re supposed to be using them. Are you using them? You can be honest with me.

DEB: Oh.

PETE: Ok… so putting that aside for now, I’m not sure about Uggs for the dog. Is it appropriate for your dog’s boots to be nicer and cost more money than your own boots?

DEB: Don’t complain. We do just fine sharing that one pair of old boots we fished out of the Gowanus Canal. Hey — wait a minute! That means we are a part of the Bad One Shoe Gang. I always wanted to belong to a group! Take that Toast Masters!

PETE: Did you get rejected by the Toast Masters? Why?

DEB: I only gave speeches about toast.

PETE: They hate that. I mean I love it when you give your 45-minute lectures about cinnamon toast vs. regular toast but I can see how people would find it… less than interesting.

As far as being part of a group goes you can now hang out with “dog people” when we take Frankie to the park. That’s a new group of people to belong to.

DEB: That’s true, and also the people who take their dogs to the park!

PETE: Wait, that’s who I was talking about. Who are you talking about? Who are these “dog people”? Is there a race of half man/half dog roaming around Brooklyn? How will they interact with the race of half man/half beard that currently rules our fair borough?

DEB: They may be one in the same… It’s like Big Foot but there is a bunch of them. I guess you could call them “Big Feet”. They are super cool and come out on a full moon and do drum circles and drink ale brewed in Brooklyn. I’ve never seen them in person, but if you go to the park at dawn after a full moon, you can still smell the patchouli and musk, and if you are lucky, you might see a foot print.

PETE: The worst thing about Brooklyn is that the off leash hours for these “Big Feet” people are 24/7/365. They’re everywhere all the time. But I’m curious about –

UMBIERTO SUDDENLY WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS AND FINDS HIMSELF STARING FACE TO FACE WITH FRANKIE. BOTH ANIMALS STOP AND STARE AT EACH OTHER.

PETE: Look, Deb. They’re having a showdown. What do you think is gonna happen?

DEB: They hug?

UMBI AND FRANKIE BOTH LOOK AT DEB.

DEB: Wanna hear a treatise about toast? Four Score and Seven Loaves ago…

UMBI AND FRANKIE: Booooooooooooo!

DEB (TO PETE): They are not boo-ing, they are saying, “Toooooaaaaaaast!”.

THE DOORBELL RINGS.

UMBIERTO (TO FRANKIE): I bet that’s my cat hot tub.

FRANKIE: Cool. Can I help you set it up?

UMBIERTO: Sure. These humans have to call the Super to change a light bulb.

FRANKIE (LAUGHING): I’m not sure what that is — but I’m assuming it’s an easy task they are incapable of achieving.

UMBIERTO: Hey, you’re not so bad kid.

FRANKIE: You’re not so bad yourself.

UMBIERTO (PUTTING HIM ARM AROUND FRANKIE): I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. You know how to scoop a cat box?

FRANKIE: Not yet, but something tells me I’m gonna learn.

THE THEME SONG FROM “CHEERS” PLAYS.

PETE: Cheers? Really? Not Casablanca? He directly quoted Casablanca. No “As Time Goes By”? Never mind…