Are we just like a Mayfly? Before we know it, our time is up!
My very first summer job was tidying around the graves in the local cemetery in my hometown in Hungary. I was already used to that place as my grandparents had been buried there. My late mum used to take us there a lot to attend to their grave with fresh flowers and lit candles etc. In my family, it still is a very important part of Life all year round, to look after our Dead. As such our local cemetery was like a second home to us. It was a safe place to contemplate in where time had stopped and the madness of the outside world did not hassle us. I still love cemeteries, to this very day.
Along the path to our grand parents` grave , my mum used to point out some of the other graves and told us stories about people buried in them whom she had known before they died. I still remember them by heart.
Sadly my mum had joined my grandparents in their grave nearly 20 years ago. Tragically my brother died suddenly this year too and now his grave is in that same cemetery as well. The other side is gathering volume it seems.
Eventually, we will all follow our ancestors, friends colleagues, neighbours and the many many unknown people buried in and outside of cemeteries all over the world. Sadly it`s not if, but when.
I think we all know that the clock is ticking over us, but we would rather not think it through all the way. We`d rather not elaborate on the very ending of our lives too much, just in case it might depress us too much.
Here in the UK, I heard that Death Cafes have been set up all over the place to bring people together so that they can talk about their feelings regarding our unavoidable end. When I first heard about this Death Cafe concept a few years ago, I thought straight away: its quite a good idea to vent the stale air on that taboo subject. If we talk about something, we feel less stressed about it eventually. We may even heal some of our old wounds too.
I have never actually gone to a Death Cafe yet, but I think I will one day. I wonder what kind of conversations I might be privy to in such a meeting. Will there be a funny spokesperson to make people relaxed about this not exactly every day topic? I wonder how light filled or how serious such conversations might be? After all, Death is no laughing matter!
I am sure we all agree on this!
However, let me be a bit controversial here if I may.
Let me take you back to my first job in that cemetery some 50+ years ago. While sweeping around the graves, I could not help reading the names of the dead and the epitaphs engraved on their grave stones. They must have come out of the undertaker`s epitaph suggestion book.
Apart from Rest in Peace, let me just pick 3 from the many hundreds:
Forever in our Hearts.
You will never be forgotten.
May God have mercy on us.
This last one is on my ancestors` gravestone as well, as it happens.
In Hungarian it reads: Uram irgalmazz nekunk
Ultimately, us the living are baffled by the finality of death and that there is nothing we can do about it. Coming to terms with death of a loved one is hard, very hard… and its a lonely road to walk on.
Yes, other family members can help with our grief, and having them by our side is something no money can ever buy. To weep and to grieve together over the loss of a loved one is far better than having to cope with it on our own.
Having said that, it is still a horribly lonely place to be, even amongst a crowd of fellow mourners.
Death of a loved one ultimately is a personal loss and to heal from those deep wounds is a slow and painful process of the heart. The mind may race ahead to busy itself with all sorts as a survival mechanism, but the heart will take its time. The road to healing is long and the terrain hard.
Going back again to the subject of epitaphs, out of the thousands I have seen in my life, one stands out like no other. This one has got me good and proper and to be honest, I still don`t know how to process it properly after half a century!
I have seen it on the tomb of one of Hungary`s greatest noble man Grof Szechenyi Istvan. He died on 8 April 1860.
In Hungarian it goes: “Voltunk mint ti, lesztek mint mi; por es hamu”
In English; We used to be as you are, you will be as we are; dust and ashes.
I don`t know if my translation here is conveying that spooky feeling as if someone actually had spoken audibly from beyond the grave. Echoing a harsh truth that is painfully direct?! Perhaps we are not used to cruel truths hurling at us?
But then, looking at it from the angle of the Dead, they could protest by saying: Look, we had to wear masks and lie all our lives,(like you do now), so let us at least be honest in Death! If you cannot take it, it`s too taught!
I don`t know if it`s just me but this epitaph comes through really scary, putting me on edge, on a sword`s edge in fact! It`s like bygone generations reaching after our generation who are innocently living our lives in total oblivion of what is to come!
It is as if the entire world of the dead, that is billions and billions of deceased people, possibly even animals that had gone before, are warning us, humans, animals of what is coming to us all.
It feels to me like a warning, even a metaphorical finger pointing! It feels somehow sarcastic in its wisdom( if true wisdom can be sarcastic at all), implying: don`t be so happy to be young and full of life for Death is coming for you too, same as it did for all us in the past!
To be honest, it had scared me than and it scares me now!
It wipes the smile off my face somehow, which is not an easy thing as I am a natural smiler who smiles even when sleeping! .. and I am not joking!
Just an example on my lifelong habit of happily smiling away:
I was touring New Zealand about 30 years ago. The bus took us tourists to a mock sheep auction somewhere around Rotorua on the North Island.
I was sitting in the front row and of course I was smiling from ear to ear all the way through. You know what I am going to say next, don`t you?
You are correct: every time the auctioneer on the stage with over 30 different types of sheep around him looked at me, he thought (or pretended)I was bidding.
Of course I was not bidding, I have never bade in my entire Life before or since! I was just being myself: smiling like a fool.
Yep, I ended up with all 32 sheep for I was the highest bidder!
There you have it, if you smile too much, you will go home with a lot of sheep!
So avoid auctions, if you`re a big smiler !
Should this be my epitaph one day?
Funny is better than scary after all… don`t you agree?
Have you thought of what yours might say as your message to the living?
Yes, Death is a serious matter and one must not tread there without respect and due reverence. One must never make a joke out of Death even if one makes jokes out of Life all the time. I am Dead serious about this.
But then, on the other hand, Life is short on Earth.
Even if we live to 100, Life is still far too short compared to Death.
Are we not like a Mayfly that only live for 4 hours( for females) and one or 2 days max(for males). I wonder if they know how terribly short that is compared to what it could be or what it should be? Of course they don`t. Still it is heart breaking that they hardly live before they are gone!
If we humans spend our tiny earthly existence with a pessimistic, doomsday kind of mentality, we too die even before we expire.
And one of the worst thing that can happen to anyone while alive is to be `dead` already.
The words of Jesus echo in my ears : “Let the Dead bury their Dead” ( Matthew 8:21–22). I think the message here is that we the living should be busy with Life! We should aim to do our utmost to be full of vitality, full of positivity about Life and full of Loving Compassion to all!
We have plenty of time to do Death when we are actually Dead!
