Functional Lifestyles Training

Peter Norvig
Apr 1, 2018 · 2 min read

March 20th was the first day of spring, but it is April 1st when many people start thinking about getting in shape for the coming summer months. Choosing a gym can be confusing, and to assist you, we present a question and answer session with Miranda Haskell-O’Caml, the Irish-American head trainer at the highly-regarded Functional Lifestyles gym.

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Functional Lifestyles, Park Blvd, Palo Alto, CA

Q Miranda, can you tell us the philosophy of Functional Lifestyles?

A Functional Lifestyles is dedicated to making our clients stronger, slimmer, healthier, more robust, more concise, more elegant, and better able to multitask, by introducing them to a pure functional lifestyle, and weaning them from the imperative lifestyle. We offer a one-on-one personalized experience; we’ll always call you by name.

Q What should I expect in my first workout?

A First, to increase flexibility, we’d do some folds, both to the left and to the right. Such a great way to reduce! Then, for strength: lambda lifting. Many clients have inadvertently put on a few unwanted free variables, and lambda lifting will reduce that dramatically. Usually we can slim down even more with some lambda drops.

Q Is this for anybody?

A Absolutely! No matter how eager or lazy you are, we’ve got an evaluation strategy for you. And we have structures for all forms; whether you’re an endomorph, an isomorph, or a homomorph, we’ve got the mapping for you. It is completely safe — no side effects whatsoever. And if you’ve got multiple concurrent problems, we can help you reach clojure.

QCan the training become almost a religious experience?

A I wouldn’t say that. At Functional Lifestyles we believe in a strict separation of Church and state.

Q I’ve heard that some people who get hooked on the functional lifestyle find it hard to communicate with their non-functional friends?

A Not at all! We’ll set you up with monads that will allow you to do all the input and output you want, and even handle exceptions!

Q So would you say that your training will change me for the better?

A Oh for Milner’s sake, no! We consider all our clients to be immutable. What we do guarantee is that the application of our functions will produce a new and improved version of you.

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