I Got 99 Problems and a Snitch Ain’t One

As I get out of my car from the South P Field at Stony Brook, I can see the Stony Brook Quidditch team with their broomsticks in hands getting ready to practice. It looks like a game of Quidditch is about to begin.

As I walk onto the field, Max, the team captain, runs over to me and introduces himself. Max, wearing a hat similar to a sombrero, is tall with shaggy black hair, wearing his SB Quidditch shirt, and cool-looking sneakers. He is getting his PhD from Stony Brook and was previously on the Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (RPI) Remembralls. As he is talking about his Quidditch history, I sit down on the bleachers, anxiously waiting to see if Max remembered my email where I asked if I could watch a practice and partake in the action.

The six pitches, which are rectangular with rounded corners, three for each side of the field with varying heights, and the yellow pinnies that are given out. Little orange cones divide the field in half. Then, all fourteen players, seven on each side, all are ready to play with their broomsticks between their legs.

Now, wouldn’t you think that they would have literal broomsticks mimicking the inspiration of the game? Well they don’t. They actually use small PVC pipes that are white and cylinder in shape with PVC caps that go on the top and botton of the pipe. Some imitation broomsticks even have duct tape that are Harry Potter colors, brown and yellow.

I just thought, “Hit the guy with the ball in his hand, right?”

It is 7:15 p.m. and everyone is in position, but as soon as the team about to start their practice Max, flagged me down.

“Wait!” He runs over, hands me a yellow pinny and a broomstick, and says, “Good luck!”

Why did I agree to play? I have no idea what I am even supposed to do. Instead I say out loud, “Oh no, here I go.” As I run onto the field, all I can hear is Professor Snape rooting me on. Alan Rickman played Professor Severus Snape in the Harry Potter movies. My idea of playing Quidditch came after Rickman passed away this past January. The social media reminded me, again, that I know nothing about Harry Potter.

As we are playing, the team is getting excited because J.K. Rowling announced that her play, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child will be performed for the first time at the Palace Theatre in London in July 2016. Her new movie, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, comes out in November 2016.

As we discuss this, I wonder if Quidditch will be in the play or movie. Probably not, my Potternerd friends tell me.

Max becomes the snitch and tells me to be a beater. Without even knowing if I am doing it right, I throw the dodgeball to, my teammate Mark, who runs across the field and attempts to score. My team runs up to me and gives me high-fives, but I have no idea what I did.

I just thought, “Hit the guy with the ball in his hand, right?”

For non-Quidditch people, a snitch is a neutral player, but in the novels and movies, a snitch is actually a ball that the seekers catch. When the seeker catches the snitch, the game is over. A bludger is a ball that is supposed to stop people from scoring. The quaffle is the ball that can only be used to score. Each time a player scores, it counts as ten points.

In the sport of Quidditch, a dodgeball is used for the bludger and the volleyball is used for the quaffle. Because the bludger and quaffle only exist in the Wizard World, and the fact that the quaffle is made of iron, they are instead represented by dodgeballs and volleyballs.

I realized that Quidditch is a mixture of many sports; it is a combination of dodgeball, volleyball, and soccer, which was challenging. As I continue to run around the field, with my imitation broomstick in my hand, my teammate John yells “Dude, just throw the ball to Sarah, who has the quaffle.”

Listening to John, I throw the ball and stop Sarah from scoring. I run around with a broomstick between my legs, which is completely uncomfortable. Not only does it slow me down but it also hinders my throwing abilities. Why would anyone want to do something like this every day? Yes, it is somewhat cool, but come on it is so awkward.

This game is like any other sport: the purpose is to get as many points as you can to win, and to block the other team so they don’t score. But it also has its differences. You have to score through smaller “goals.” You don’t have a hoop or a net, you just have these rings basically floating there that you have to get the balls into. You also are running around with a stick between your legs like a child. People get excited because they feel like Harry Potter, but I found it very odd.

As I run around the field, I try to either get the ball or throw it at people and I thought it was supposed to make me feel like a total wizard, even though I was not flying. But it didn’t, I just felt like it was not my cup of tea.

The more and more I run around the field, I continue to try to stop people from scoring, but then I think, “How does the game even end?” So, I decided to ask an expert. “Hey, Max, I yell across the field, how does this game even end?”

Max goes, “You’re the one who is responsible for scoring”

I go, “Mhm, ya funny”

His response comes in perfect timing because as he says, “Zack, it ends when someone catches the snitch, but when we play, it’s when someone throws the quaffle at the snitch.” Two seconds later — Max is hit by the quaffle. The game is over and my team wins. I truly was not trying to distract him; I was actually trying to learn more.

“Now it’s time to switch teams. George and Sarah, you are the new team captains,” Max says”

I panic because no one knows who I am and I kind of want to step out for round two, but

George yells, “You, Saint Rose kid, you’re on my team!”

Under my breath, I say, “Oh shit, ugh,” but as I run to stand by him, I go, “Okay, which position?”

George says, “Chaser.”

My response was “A what?”

Max goes, “You’re the one who is responsible for scoring”

I go, “Mhm, ya funny”

Max goes, “Good luck!” as he smiles and pats me on the back.

As I move from one side of the field to another, I run towards the pitch. I am striving to get those 10 points for my team and as I try to run around the beaters and the keepers, I am hit in the back. I said to myself, “But wait, is this a foul? Can I keep on going?”

Not thinking, I keep on running and throw the quaffle in the pitch.

And I score!

I look back and everyone starts to laugh. They all say, “It was a foul, that point didn’t count; however, you get another shot and then it will count.” At first, I was mad because I had no idea, but then Max explained it to me, if you are hit in the back, below your waist or above your neck, it is considered a foul. Now I got another chance to score. I get ready to score, I shoot and it bounces off the rim of the pitch.

After the foul, I obtain the quaffle again and run around the field in order to get to the other side.

I shoot and I score, again!

By 8:45 p.m., everyone’s adrenaline is still pumping, so I begin to try to find the snitch. I find out who my fellow chasers are, who the beaters are, and then I find out who the snitch is. I chase after him and catch him. The game is over. My team wins again.

The two game score breakdowns are:

Game one: 200 points (150 for winning and 50 for scoring).

Game two: 210 points (150 for winning and 60 for scoring).

Playing Quidditch made me feel like a wizard, but also made me see the exclusive look of the sport, of what life is like as Harry Potter, and what life is like at Hogwarts. While I still can’t see the hype of this franchise personally, I found respect for the Potterheads that partake in this fandom. Playing Quidditch allowed me to experience something I wouldn’t normally try, but I got a bunch of interesting stories out of it.