Why opening up about suicidal feelings is hard

Petrina Tan
Sep 7, 2018 · 4 min read

World Suicide Prevention Day is coming soon — it’s observed on 10th September each year and inaugurated by the International Association for Suicide Prevention. This day serves as a way to encourage engagement and joint efforts to increase awareness regarding suicide prevention. While much ink has been spilt and bandwidth used to talk about the ‘hows’ to prevent suicide, particularly in light of recent high-profile celebrity suicides (Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain, Avicii, Kim Jong-Hyun) as well as reports of increased suicidal tendencies among the youth in this short piece focuses on an aspect of ‘why,’ namely why opening up about suicidal feelings is so difficult.

The circumstances that push people into committing suicide are complex. We often imagine those who have committed suicide to be deeply troubled and sorrowful. It comes as a sudden shock that the fulfilled and happy looking person has decided to end his or her life. Didn’t they seem to have it all? If that’s the case, then what made them decide to throw it all away? From the outside looking in, this action is unsettling and troubling, something which upsets our calculus of what makes for a life worth living. Despite the much sought after trappings of fame, fortune, adoration, why have these people chosen suicide? An answer might be found in more in-depth knowledge about mental health.

When one mentions ‘mental health’, a quick follow up phrase would be ‘depression’. Advances in mental health have helped us to better understand how the interplay of genetic/biological factors and personal circumstances can lead to depression and anxiety. They have allowed us insight into what used to be defined as a moral failing or character flaw. The idea that these struggles are not tied to one’s morality or weakness in character is liberating and hopeful, providing an avenue for those afflicted to seek the help and support that they need without the burden of judgment and condemnation.

Nevertheless, a critical question remains with respect to suicide prevention efforts, particularly those of us who serve in a para-counselling role, or even those of us who care about the friends and family around us in emotional and mental anguish: what do we make of those who among us who do not suffer from mental health conditions but still have suicidal feelings?

Here, we come to the heart of this reflection. It is my belief that mental health conditions and suicidal feelings should not be conflated. They can exist independently of each other. Therefore, where a mental health condition is taken out of the equation, what makes it difficult for a person who has suicidal feelings to open up about them? Answering this question would go some way towards more effective suicide prevention since suicidal feelings may be a precursor of suicide attempts and the successful commission of the act itself.

For a start, it’s incredibly difficult to open up and be vulnerable about what’s really troubling a person deep down. There is every possibility of ridicule and rejection. In an image conscious, social-media driven world, is there room for an expression of sorrow, sadness or inadequacy? One may argue that these feelings long existed before the advent of Facebook or Snapchat or Instagram, and yes, these emotions were experienced by our ancient human ancestors as they headed towards progress and modernity. Nevertheless, these developments have exacerbated the sense of isolation and loneliness thst comes from the exhausting need to constantly project an image of wholeness and perfection. Maybe we need to be reminded every now and then that the inner world of our thoughts and feelings is as deserving of attention as what we project outwardly?

The difficulty of admitting the soul-deep and crushing feelings is also due to the lack of a culture of truly listening and accepting. How many times are we actually being present with the person speaking to us? Make no mistake about it, non-judgment is counter-intuitive. It is an impulse which requires awareness and a conscious effort to refocus the conversation to the one in pain. The presence of an open and safe space is the first step towards allowing the person who is confronting this storm of emotions to begin to difficult process of recognising the pain and giving it a name.

In the end, there is no one size fits all to answer and address the issue of suicide prevention. Multifaceted causes and triggers, as diverse as cyber-bullying, easy access to drugs or other means of suicide or copycat suicides continue to make it a gargantuan task to prevent suicides. But every little step counts for something — if we could begin to understand these difficulties and be more authentic, open and non-judgmental of those around us, perhaps that might make a difference in the life of those who come into contact with us.

Petrina Tan

Written by

Researcher on securities and financial regulation /Mental health and suicide prevention advocate/Learner and lover of life and people