Reasons to be happy, regardless of what happens today.

Don’t worry, be happy!

Election day is finally here, or everyone seems to think, doomsday! There are plenty of opinions about what should and will happen, but the truth is no one knows (unless the conspiracy theorists are completely correct and George Soros/the Jews/the Illuminati have already chosen our leader). What is more, you likely have little to no power to affect the actual outcome of the election. That being the case, we need to learn to be happy with whatever person rides off into the white house sunset. Here are some reasons to be happy, regardless the outcome.

If Hillary Clinton wins the white house:

The odds are this will be the actual outcome, so lets consider it first. If Clinton is elected it means:

  1. First women president! (Hey, it is cool to reach a first)
  2. Another 4 years of continuing down the liberal path of B.O. If you are a leftist, your dream is realized. If you are a conservative, you get to see how it plays out. Burning disaster? Heck maybe you were wrong and in 4 years America will have turned into paradise on earth! Either way you get to see how another ideology plays out while getting to criticize it every step of the way AND take no responsibility. Really it is what every Republican secretly wants.
  3. If the extreme conservatives are correct this means the end of America, and hey, change is fun.
  4. If the extreme conservatives are correct in four years gender will have been abolished and we will all call each other by the pronouns “Ze, Zer, and Zim” and we will all live in perfect harmony with all plants, animals and an equal distribution of every race. I could why you might have some qualms with that, but get down of your male patriarchy and feel the love.
  5. War with Russia. Who hasn’t been pining for the cold war?

If Donald Trump wins:

Odds are much lower that this will happen, and many people find it much scarier, but there are good things to be found either way:

  1. Excellent night time entertainment for four years. If you can’t like whoever is in the White House, at least you can make fun of them.
  2. The Media, the Banks, and all the “Big” things were wrong. And sometimes it is nice for those guys to be wrong. In general it is always cool for the underdog to win.
  3. If liberals are correct, it will be the end of America, and hey, change is fun.
  4. If the extreme liberals are right white men will roam the country shooting guns at will as every male turns into a hyper-masculine woman-mocking machine. We will probably all go back to riding horses and basically the entire country will turn into Texas. And by Texas I mean 1880’s Texas of course. This might not sound ideal for you, but pick your wimpy self up and man up!
  5. The U.S. joins Russia. Why just be a super power when you can be a super-duper power!?!

Gary Johnson and Jill Stein:

I put this one last because the chance of it happening is about the same as Jennifer Lawrence deciding that she loves me today. If any of these things happen I will personally send $100 to every person who reads this. I figure I can afford to lose a hundred dollars. Reasons to be happy are:

  1. Talk about an underdog winning. Donald Trump? Please, show me a REAL underdog.
  2. Literally EVERYONE would have been 100% wrong about the election. Every poll. Every news anchor. Every voter. Everyone. How awesome would that be? Imagine the conspiracy theories? They would be great, they would be endless.
  3. If Gary Johnson wins, lower/no taxes, weed for everyone, finally get to see the White House turned into a Hot Box.
  4. If Jill Stein wins we all get to go live like it is 1492. No more electricity. No more machines. No more computers. Just the simple life. Camping every day!
  5. Hell will have frozen over, pigs will be flying, and the Cubs will probably win the World Series… oh wait.

Finally and most importantly: whoever wins your life probably will not fundamentally change (at least for a couple of months anyways!) and we can just go back to living our lives not worried about the election. We can all be happy about that.