I'm not really sure of where I am anymore... I feel like my heart is still beating because my body keeps it like that. I can feel his love for me and I can feel my love for him, but it seems so quiet and tired. It feels like my whole body has given up on me. Like my brain stopped making synapses. Like my lungs are filtering oxygen just for the sake of doing it. All the things I do, places I go, songs I listen to... Everything seems to not touch me at all. I feel shielded by anything but myself. I just hope that eventually, my prime and enthusiasm will come back... I miss smiling at everything. I miss being just happy with Lu and not letting all my worries and anxieties get me worked up and distracted, and not allowing me to just... Say "Fuck it" to things for a while, and just enjoy the brief moments of relaxation I have.
Maybe it's just adulthood hitting on me... But then again... I've been filling my mind with too much. Not only have I been worrying about not studying so much, or not being so dedicated to things in general, others' bullshit has also got me completely stressed out and annoyed. The ego war I witness inside the Academy only makes me feel completely desperate and choked. The serenity of my workplace is comforting and scary all at once. I feel happy I don't have someone pestering me all the time with things to do. The feeling of slacking out but not really slacking out is a refreshing rebellion I have never experienced. But still, I can't help but feel useless, sometimes, cuz it seems like I have nothing to do and nothing I CAN do seems to be... Useful.
I actually feel like I'm living in a four way road... At the same time I feel like everyone is conspiring against me, talking things behind my back and, perhaps, not liking me anymore, I also think I'm not that important to people so things like that wouldn't happen. But then, I also know that I'm important to people, especially to him, and that my happiness actually matters to them, and that there's no reason for people to conspire and plot against me... And then I just feel all those four all at once and my body is just not being able to handle all of that and it just makes me completely drained and powerless...
I feel like there's a selfish part of me that simply won't cease to feel like I'm... Not attractive enough, pretty enough, funny, smart, nice, cool, reliable, trustworthy, good enough... And then it makes me desperate for attention from anyone. I want to hear people say how awesome they think I am, but... Is there really a reason for me to want that? I have someone who tells me that and much more every single day, and actually makes me feel like that, something no one has ever done. And I know it's natural for people, especially me, to search for validation, but... I just wish I could shut that off. For good. Some days I get so worried about how I look and about what people who never saw me and probably will never see me again will think about me... It doesn't make sense. I know we all want to seem good to others. But... It shouldn't be my priority, and some days, I feel like it is.
I sometimes feel like I just want to be the center of attention (very Leo of me), but at the same time I just want to shut down with him to our own universe and not think about stuff. About people. About each other. But I know I can't live like that. There's real life knocking on my door every day and, although being with him makes me go on a haze... I still can feel real life trespassing that limit we set. And I think we should break this limit and just allow each other to live real life together. And I think we're achieving that, little by little... We're learning how to make real life our own universe.
In the midst of all that, I still feel this enormous and transcending love for him, even when I don't notice it's there. As I said, it's what keeps my heart beating, as it seems. His love keeps me alive. The way he looks into my eyes. The way he kisses. The way he touches my skin. The way he caresses my body... I really feel alive because he gives me that, and because I can feel his love for me. Even when I'm feeling dead, there's a sparkle that burns softly and gently, waiting to blossom into a gigantic flame. Even when I'm barely hanging on, I still feel alive. And I don't think that's a bad thing. I know it could be worrisome that I'm basically ranting over him, and what I feel for him and vice versa, when in fact I should be writing about me and how I feel, but... My life revolves around him, around us, and... If I ever truly felt happiness, it was when he came into my life.
I don't know when I will feel better, but... I definitely don't feel bad. I'm anxious about everything I have to do and am not giving so much priority. I'm worried about how people perceive me and that definitely shouldn't be such a big worry, especially when I don't give so much attention to how I perceive myself, and yet expect others to do so. I needlessly worry about not being enough for him and not making him feel happy, and not loving him properly, when he clearly feels loved by me and feels happy around me, and I also feel happy with him, even when I'm not necessarily happy. Regardless of how contradictory all that might sound... I think my only issue is... Handling with everything all at once but not wanting to handle it. I want to just leave my body and carry him to higher grounds with me (very Florence). But I think I need to, more than ever, learn how to still find happiness in us, even in the midst of all the craziness we've been dealing with and all the changes. And I definitely should allow myself to feel more like that when I need to. I don't focus so much on me and too much on the others, and so I lose the opportunity to learn more about myself and what I think...
I look at the picture we took earlier today, and I realize how happy I look. Though I was handling with everything at that very moment, as soon as I looked at us in the camera, with those cute hoods, I could feel that things would get better. And knowing that made me smile, from that small burning sparkle, that slowly is growing to its original prime... Eventually I'll learn to deal with everything, and even if I don't, at least I will have tried, and most importantly, I'll have tried by his side and making sure I have a blast with everything.