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Philip Cox

On Why Canadians Drink Tim Horton’s Coffee

A Staple of the Canadian Economy

How Tim Horton’s rules the roast with the shittest coffee around.

Canadians don’t drink coffee. They drink Tim Horton’s. Scratch that, they drink Timmy’s coffee, play hockey, and laugh at America for its lack of universal healthcare. This comes in handy, because, like I said, we play hockey.

But I did not come here to talk about hockey, or how much the Leafs suck (go Leafs go). No, I’m here to talk about Tim Horton’s Coffee, the pinnacle of Canadian-ism. It is one of the few symbols of this great country, and one that makes us proud.

Tim Horton’s is what freedom, using the imperial system, and drinking shitty beer is to Americans — a symbol of the nation.

However, if any of you have ever had Timmy’s coffee, you would wonder just what the fuck is so special about it. Or why there is one for every 500 meters from Nova Scotia to BC?

To talk about WHY we like this below average cup of Canadian heritage, lets talk about the man himself. What man you ask? Were talking about the man — Tim Horton.

Believe it or not, Tim Horton’s was named after Tim Horton.

Not only that, Tim Horton was a professional hockey player. NOT ONLY THAT, but in the words of our Minister of Hockey Affairs, Don Cherry, a good ol Ontario boy. So, a professional hockey player from Upper Canada (who also played for the Toronto Maple Leafs) created this wonderful symbol of our nation to enjoy.

Was there a specific reason the great nation of Canada chose Tim Horton’s wonderful creation that is Tim Horton’s, to become the symbol of our nation? No, there is not.

There is an urban legend that after winning a Stanley Cup for Toronto, he had a vision for the future of Canada, and decided then and there, “to unite this great country, from coast to coast!” This might have been some other famous Canadian — but that doesn’t matter right now.

The fact of it is, after Tim Horton’s was invented, its coffee became a Canadian symbol, because Canadians LOVE coffee — here’s why:

Reasons Canadians Love Coffee

  • Its cold here for about 50% of the time
  • We are in cold arenas playing hockey and curling
  • Canada is big, to drive across it, you need coffee
  • We wanted to divert attention away from our national animal: the beaver
  • If you had coffee, you know why.

As you can see, it is clear that Canadians take our Timmy’s pretty seriously.

But even with this entire history of our Timmy’s coffee culture and Canada summed up undisputedly and totally accurately above, you still might be confused on why we tolerate the sub-par cup of half burnt bland coffee.

All I can say is, we don’t like Tim’s coffee because it tastes good, we like Timmy’s because we have to — after all, we are Canadian? Eh?