The View From The Outside #4

Compatibility Part Two

Peggy,

Mum and dad aren’t a great fit. They might have been at some point but today, and for some time now, they’re just pulling through. Mum wishes dad was richer, aspired for great things, and stopped siding with his side of the family all the time. Dad wishes mum stopped getting influenced by her side of the family and their worldly achievements, stopped looking down on him, and believed him and his decisions more. They still stand by each other, and genuinely care about each other, but the inherent slide of endearment is apparent. And being back at home six months now I realise the reason is quite simple. They’re are both fundamentally stubborn. They cannot change their perception of the other anymore. They have crossed the threshold of hope. Hope lets one maintain focus and seek problem-solving skills, two things without which that which one hopes for cannot be addressed.

I tell you this because today I have the will to recognise those relationships that matter from those who don’t, and develop unrelenting hope for them. Discover the patience required to stay composed and find an agreement, fair consensus, or even amicable sharing of contradiction subject to seriousness. I tell you this because I was not so. I was adamant, and had ideas of how two people should be, amongst other things. I wasn’t unjust, and you would agree, but I was indifferent to resolution, and though I intensely cared about you, I didn’t care about putting things right if they weren’t so. Because I used to be the boy who would want to sleep in your lap when he was scared. To look away when he sees a hurdle. To procrastinate, and leave confrontation for another day. These letters are an example of me not being that boy anymore, to the best of my awareness.

Hope really does seem to be a vital pillar of a long relationship, Peggy. Not the blind type, the ‘life-will-get-better’ kind. The kind that reinforces your belief in decisions; the kind that makes you trust the path you took at the fork down back on the road; the kind that makes you want to understand, heal, and nurture relationships: the fragile, volatile, ever-evolving little narratives that really they are. I recently read a borderline corny quote, and the internet says it’s by Bob Marley.

Truth is, everyone will hurt you. You just have to find the ones worth suffering for.

Yes, it does seem drastic, but the message is persuasive. When you tune your mind to never conflict with a person, and never look away, the only option is to resolve and restore harmony. And an unrelenting intention for resolve, above and beyond ideas of individual like ego, pride and aspiration, might be one of the few undiscussed values that really makes you compatible with the person who is worth it.

On a lighter note, the Gemini and the Capricorn are zodiac signs that are literally poles apart, books say. The Gemini, an air sign, is characteristically floaty, indulgent and communicative. They flirt with different ideas of life and meander through it with celebration and lack of commitment, like the wind. The Capricorn, an earth sign, is grounded, responsible and beautifully planned. They say the wind and the earth can never meet, until there are degrees of compromise between them. It really doesn’t mean much if you think about, but the most beautiful relationships among some of my friends are an Earth and an Air sign. At our very best, the balance of life skills is amazing: a prime example of making up for the lack of certain qualities in the other, once you’re really into making something of it.

To wrap up, is chemistry contrived? Once the unbearable attraction fades, do people make it work because making it work is synonymous with being in a relationship with someone? Isn’t me working on keeping the vase intact actually a part of owning the vase, however insentient it is? A motorcycle is joyful because of the effort gone into maintaining it. A human relationship must be the same, just more of a two-way thing. Of course, sometimes people outgrow a motorcycle. And this is visible in some relationships too. But with parallel maturing, a motorcycle that could adapt to the needs of a rider, grow with him, a lifetime wouldn’t be enough. I think a certain type of mindset is required Peggy, and two people need to agree to this to this to keep a relationship external-factor-proof. At the risk of sounding like a priest or a guru, I am beginning to believe that committing to realising someone else’s joy, within limits of what is sensible, can give joy back manyfold.

Love, Phil