Forgiveness.

Forgiveness has always been about bettering yourself as a human being. It’s not so much doing a favor for the person who has wronged you, as it is a favor for your own soul.
Forgiving someone is about letting go of the hurt and the hate that blackens your mind, by letting all that go we are able to accept more good and more light into our lives.
Having and accepting that insight now; makes all of this so much easier for me.
We have been friends for 4 years now. During that time we’ve had our highs and lows but always remained genuine to each other in the end. So the forgiveness comes easy to me; especially because I don’t even think you were aware I was even hurt in the first place.
The last time we met and may ever meet again was in New York. I move away in a month and you will get back to becoming engulfed in your senior year at college.
I came to meet you in the city. I was excited, free spirited, and confident. I didn’t leave the city that way though and it’s because of you. You had a different mindset of what this weekend was going to be. I don’t think you intended to do this, but we always start off with good intentions, right?
It started with you wanting to share your small twin bed with me. When past texts and messages had stated you would sleep on the floor so I could take the bed for myself for the weekend. As any good friend would, right?
At your mention of this my gut began to cringe, I could feel liquid anxiety trickle down my throat.
Then we talked and caught up about our love lives, or in my case, lack of one. You implied you could help fix that for me.
I know being a creep is the assumed, natural state of the millennial boy; but you were my friend.
My voice grew small, my speech began to crack out of the uncomfortable distance I all of a sudden needed to keep with you. The transparent arms length barrier rose up between us. While your not so transparent intentions grew clearer to me.
So here I was in a city, 380 miles away from the safety of my home, with no place to stay but with you for the next 4 days. Anxious fear gripped my chest while thoughts of worry and dread began to punch at my head. You were blind to all of this. All my thoughts of being alone, stranded, and abandoned. I think you may have even thought you were being *cringe* *dry gulp* charming.
Abandoned.
That’s how you made me feel internally. Externally I kept a smile on my face and a laugh close to the surface for our friendships’ sake.
You abandoned our friendship. Our invisible, mutual understanding to respect each other suddenly dissolved.
What did you think this weekend was? I was the stupid, naive, damsel in distress. You were the wolf in sheep’s clothing. Luckily there was a prince; but that is for another story. This story, our friendship’s story, ends with a lie.
I didn’t accidentally book my ticket 2 days earlier than expected. I paid to get the hell out of that city and away from you sooner. The relief I felt having my new boarding pass in hand compares to nothing I have ever felt.
The innocent bubble of what my brain had conjured up for this weekend popped, burned, and stung me in my face.
Your feelings were in the wrong, your insinuations were cruel, your implications were unjustified. But I forgive you. I forgive you so I can find the peace within myself. So I can silence the recurring thoughts that somehow I brought this on, that I had asked for this by coming to visit a friend before moving across the country. I give my own mind that peace. I forgive you, friend.
