LIFE IS LIKE A PLAY: An open letter to my boss.

Phoebe Joynt
Jul 27, 2017 · 4 min read
The target.

I know you have been gone for a long while, what on your back and forth business ventures to Disney World. Which we are all starting to suspect as not so much business trips as they are family vacations. I thought I would write you a letter to fill you in on what has been happening in your absence. Particularly the new roles I have self-assigned myself to keep the metaphorical “fires” here in the office at bay. If you should feel so inclined as to give me a hearty raise at the end of this, I wouldn’t object and of course won’t let it go to my head.

Life is like a play and today I have been cast the humble role of fly exterminator. We’ve been having a fly issue at work lately. Well, its not just flies but mice too, and this one time a bat. But that another story.

We also have fish now, not invasive ones obviously. There are 3 aquariums at work; mostly filled with snails and minnows. We also have thrown in a handful of goldfish to liven up the aqueous spaces a bit more. There’s also an immortal crayfish that lives in the biggest tank; and he won’t die despite the multiple times in a row we have accidentally neglected to feed him. I named him Francis, and he’s pretty cool when he’s not being a total asshole. Which is most of the time.

Basically, our office could substitute as the world’s saddest, most confusing zoo ever. (Maybe a new side business venture for us?)

I digress, back to the newest title I hold at work; fly killer. Our fly retention rate has become a bit of a problem. Despite the dozen of sticky traps we’ve hung around the office (think disgusting mistletoe) and my best efforts at the old fashioned rolled up magazine swatting maneuvers.

Today we have upped the anti in our ongoing war on the flies; to electrical fly swatter. (Don’t worry I charged it to the business account, I really think this could be a tax write off if we can get that sad zoo business off the ground). They are basically ping pong paddles made to look like tennis rackets made to electrocute flying pests.

I have been self-appointed the keeper of said death paddles. Which I am thrilled about. But, between us, other coworkers seem less enthused, particularly the ones seated around me.

Good news though. It would appear that we have already killed off the dumb flies. The ones that voluntarily flew into the very visible hanging pieces of tape. What idiots.

It is the smart ones I have been assigned to kill. (Note this wasn’t so much as an assigned duty as it was something for me to do to waste time). But I do think this task is worth my every ounce of energy because I truly think it would raise morale by decreasing the mutual company annoyance at the presence of these buggers.

Bad news, for whatever reason it seems that the enemy is fully aware of the new weapon that has come into play, because no flies are to be seen anywhere. They have been so annoyingly prevalent all week but now have made themselves hardly visible. As to be expected by the intelligent ones.

Unfortunately, because I have self-assigned this mission to myself I won’t feel entirely accomplished for the day if I don’t zap at least one to death. Also, my curiosity for the sound the racket will make upon electrocuting a fly has left me so distracted and preoccupied I will be unable to answer any further emails for the remainder of the day.

I want you to know that the office is in safe hands. This racket can probably double as some kind of tazing device as well for any intruders. Now that I’m thinking about it, should such a situation arise it only makes sense that I give myself the title of head of security as well. I just want you to know that as the authoritative figure I will use any force necessary on pests of the flying variety or of the human variety to keep us all secure here. Rest easy.

Anyways, I hope Florida is lovely and if you could bring me back a Simba plush in compensation for all I have been doing here that would be excellent. Actually, anything Lion King themed would be acceptable.

Cheers,

Fully-gruntled employee

Written by

Howdy I’m a recent Texas transplant ..Austin TX to be exact. I work as a graphic designer full time, an artist part time, & writer quarter time.

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