I told someone

And you raged


How like on some half lit stage

I’d wandered out the bedroom door

And saw Angus kneeling on the kitchen floor

Gob agape

At your crotch

As you swayed

And swigged

your Netto scotch


What I didn’t share

Was what you’d done to me there

Just the weekend before

That suppressed horror was too raw

And too familiar –

like Dads diktat: ‘sit on the floor!’

For succumbing to the bloody gore

of menstruation)


Clumsily disarming your shaming smears

Lunging at

that chink I saw

For some ego up-shoring

But nothing more

No valoured valedictory scene


You hissed my sentence

At the nightclub door

‘Cab bitch now!’

And then later

‘On the floor!’ -

‘Say you love it -

You want more’


Drunk. Pedophile?

Sadist. Rapist?

I didn’t know to hope for more


You came back into the room with him

Looking at me

Like a drive by victim

Detached contempt

Malevolent twist

I had not signed up for this


Laughing

You tossed tuppence for my holes

He got brown and you got gold

Split me like a rancid peach


Teeth gritted

I floated

While you pitted

Me

Back to the sanctuary

of nanna’s pantry

Cheek pressed on the cold stone floor

Abandoned my body

To savages ravages

Frozen like a fawn


And when you were both sated

I waited

Impaled between you,

for you to snore

And snuck downstairs

And tried the door

…. locked ….

…. no key ….

The windows too -

Realised my young life’s metaphor


I scrubbed your filthy kitchen

until dawn

Your curd glop dripping

From my punctured rippings


-

Angus was the first to wake

Drove me home

As if from a date

All gentlemanly

And, as if in too-late decency,

Could not bear to look at me


And my next shift I learned

You’d taped it all

Projected it

Onto a wall

For the regulars to see

They thought it a hilarity

Home made free pornography

The whore shamed for

Eternity

‘She fucking loves it doesn’t she?!’

Proved your heterosexuality


After that showreel made the rounds

I was the go-to slut in town

Blue-balled boys

Wanted a toy

To use when girlfriends

Told them no

How dare I try

too, to do so?!

Consent was an audacity

Self respect a was a temerity


Was it the end of you?

It was the end of me


-

And yet -

Here I Am.

Curdled yolk

In shattered shell.

I seem to be doing very well

Mother, wife, professional, friend.


Sometimes -

I hope you’re rotting

In yourself, your hell


Other times I scoff -

the irony!

It’s wasn’t just you

It was also me

Trying to fuck

Themselves straight.

It was your girlfriend

I was in love with mate.


But mostly there is wild alternation

Between blame and shame

Frigidselfpity masturbation?


Profound self doubt

And righteous rages

Brawl in ink

On these pages


Skulking in shadow

No one wants to go

Somewhere resisting narrative

And there is no simple arc I can give


Too congealed

To let me sieve

Out any place of peace from


I guess I will go on

And on …