As I plug in the earphone and start playing Frank’s new album for the forty-ish times. I never noticed how it could put me into bad mood like this. But sure that wasn’t the only factor that created such atmosphere. I went to work everyday with all my abilities to keep myself think the most positive ways and assumed there would be a dominos effect sort of things that could just washed me away from the past. But it won’t, instead, I become a person that is sluggishly careless about my health. It’s what I called the failure of running away from butt hurt things. Those every-single-days, the energy that I used to getaway literally eats me alive slowly. I was shocked and realized how much weight I’ve lost by just a year, even I’m underweight and oftenly told by friends around.

Summer 2012 was the best time I have ever had. I bought my first iPod using my own money i earned from my first real job, downloaded bunch of music I like and hop on the first plane ever to Singapore for Jason Mraz’s concert, alone! The trip lead me to the thought of saving for camera and actually bought it after my grandma passed away a year later. I missed her funeral though it wasn’t really bad thing because that way she never really left me. Long live grandma!

It is quite a milestone to me, to made it today and be able to brag about it and not feeling sorry to those who said to me that I’m so lucky, compare to the people running for their lives in Syria. Pain is not somethings that we can put it on a scale and measure the luck of entire humanity. Privileges, sometimes. But there will always be people who are more and far more privileged and still, could probably crying inside their Ferrari on their million dollar phone when I’m having pot myself and keeping me entertained.

I was supposedly died four months after I graduated from high school. That night I slept next to my mom and held her hand said I love her, and told her it’s sad to not be able to see you again soon. She thought I worried about her remaining time here on earth and got mad at me when I just felt hopeless about my gayness. I didn’t do it though, eventually I came out to her two years later, but I seem addicted to sadness and been a sensitive human being since. That’s why I tried to be good to everybody to inspire back and forth to live on. But things were as smooth as people relationships don’t work that way. There’s gonna be a day that we forget how close we were with the person we used to hangout with. Or badly fucked it up hard, like I mostly had done with the people I cared for. But I’m pretty sure we don’t hate each other as time fade, just things doesn’t workout, disappointments cut off the line in between.

Last month when I visit Ben Tre thanks to an unexpected soulmate invited me. As I said, not guarantee for any ties of friendship, but this one is cool, there’s always a certain limit we always skillfully manage. But that wasn’t the approach here and this will sound not much different from other kind of bullshits I wrote. It is about the image of a person that I deeply loved haunted me all the trip there and people around me kept mentioning things that are closely related to him which is so surreal. Later a chief friend told me that person even came to the restaurant he’s working. Which irritated me a lot and crawled back to him even more later on which is one of the factor that made me unconcerned about my feelings, which I can’t blame because I also made up a mess as we could have just seeing each others as friends, which is still not bad when I could challenge myself over my illusionism illness.

Be honest, my life’s changed so much over two years it shattered in pieces I don’t know how to place it in a cabinet forever in peace, it’s what my old bosses and new boss told me to get my shit together cause sometimes I think I did spilled some of mine on their careers. *Respect*. But I’m just bad at this as I shouldn’t say this, because we mostly will be what we say we are. And it’s so true on a scientific level, it’s scary.

Best traveling partner of the year was a girl went on a trip to Malaysia with me. Another coolie that aware of limits of seeing each other. Malaysia or Taiwan, traveling alone with a camera is such a great experience and marvelous medication for a soul. But walking too much is a negative for my physical health, either skinny is a bitch or I am just a skinny bitch. I could have behave more on my diet to be able to travel more in better shape when coming back not looking like a stick man.

Expecting a fine trip next Friday with my fam, we will going nowhere but joyful moments. 🔥

It’s raining outside of the window right now, 2:54.