To be honest, I am not very lucky in relationships. I am most likely to get dumped or rejected in love. By mentioning this, I mean I am going through another sequence of emotional responses of rejection AGAIN! But this time, It is not some sort of sadness and disappointment though.

Let’s me be frank. I am not easy to fall for a guy unless I feel some sort green signals that he is interested in me. But it always happens to me that I am the one who speak out and initiate the relationship. Most of the time, I fail. This time was no exception. Regarding a new guy i met at school, there is no doubt he is a great one — nice, kind, gentle and considerate — even I do not end up being with him. The only difference is that this time his signals were to clear that got me thinking. We shared a lot of silly moments together. He walked me out the parking lot every night we studied together. He mimicked my voice that got me cracking up in the middle of the conversation. He brought me oranges that were carefully peeled since a time I got bleeding from peeling oranges. He taught me to tighten my shoe laces properly. He toughed my out of a sudden — not in a creepy way, took stuff off my hair, asked me to go grab a bit then ate my leftover because he knew I hated wasting foods. He texted me sort of thing like “I just wanted to bother you for no apparent reason”… There are tons of great moments that I could not even name that ensured me he had feeling for me… Then I decided to take one step forward. I tried to break the friend zone by saying “I miss hangout with you” and all I took back was “I feel the same” and two days of silence straight. This time I was blank because I really don’t understand… Well. This time I didn’t even want to figure out what was going wrong…

I learn and I do know that there are nothing wrong with me. And it’s completely normal to express my feelings toward whoever I want. I ensure myself that I am good, which I really am, and that he might been through a hard time that blinding him from seeing good in people…bla bla. But let’s that his problem not mine.

When my right one will come to break this damn ritual circle of mine?!