Unreasonable reasons

The human mind is fundamentally incapable of conceiving of its own death.

I say that because we worry about what happens after we’re dead. When I was an undergraduate, I commiserated one night with friends who, like me, also had a history of contemplating suicide. One the things that prevented us from actually attempting suicide was “the body problem”. Meaning, we worried about the problems that our corpses would cause for other people.

Why did we care? If you’re dead, if won’t matter to you if someone else is traumatized by your corpse — because there is no “you”. But despite the easy and obvious logic of that argument, we all found the body problem a significant stumbling block in actualizing our thoughts.

I’ve come up with a solution, though. When I lived in Arizona one of the things I noticed was that roadkill doesn’t stay around for very long. Everywhere else I’ve lived, you’ll see the same sad, flattened, little animal corpse beside the road for day after day. In Arizona, roadkill you see in the morning won’t be there in the evening.

It’s not because of zippy road crews or anything like that. It’s the wildlife. Fresh roadkill is a nutritious meal for a critter, and too valuable to go to waste. Which is also why news stories about someone who died after become lost in the desert never include anything about “finding the victim”, but rather report on “finding evidence of the victim”. (Oh, and if you didn’t know — it’s not uncommon for people to die in the Arizona from simply walking too far out into the desert and becoming lost.)

So, my solution is this: ride out a mile or two into the Arizona desert before killing yourself. The local wildlife will take care of your body.

Getting to Arizona is a bit problematic. Not that it’s particularly difficult to get there, but it would take some effort, and the hopeless depth of depression that makes suicide seem like an attractive option also makes it pretty difficult to muster even that level of focused effort.

But having solved the body problem creates something of a new one: would people even notice that I’m dead? If one day I’m just gone, who would know? It’s depressing to realize that almost no one would. Or maybe even no one at all.

And while there are people who presumably would care… they won’t cry, or anything like that. They’ll shrug and shake their heads, and I’ll become a bit a trivia, the guy they once knew who they heard had blown his brains out in Arizona.

Thinking about it digs me a little deeper down into my Pit. The irony is that while it makes me even more attracted to the notion of being dead, and therefore suicide, it also makes achieving the organized, focused effort necessary to actually achieve suicide that much further out of reach.

Someone recently told me, “Please, if you can organize your brain, then do it.” I doubt she was meaning to say, “If you can manage to get your shit together long enough to kill yourself, I wish you would.” But there is some unhappy, inwardly-angry little part of my soul that will be forever whispering that (mis)interpretation into the stream of my thoughts. Which is why she should have never said anything at all to me in the first place. Should never have spoken to me to begin with. Why probably no one should.

It seems like all I want is for someone to talk with me. Yet, all I ever do is find some way to believe that anything anyone says is negative and hurtful. I don’t know why I chose to make myself miserable. No, that’s not true. What I don’t know is why I think I deserve to be miserable. But I do think that, and I’m rather good at achieving that particular goal. Maybe that’s why I can’t manage to achieve suicide — it would end my misery.

I may not be attached to life, but apparently I’m attached to my own unhappiness. So, I won’t allow myself to escape it, either through happiness or through death. I can find a way to block them both.

The human mind is fundamentally incapable of conceiving of its own death.

My mind seems fundamentally incapable of conceiving of a life that isn’t miserable.