“Pa!” I heard a clear sound from my right elbow that morning. So did my friend. She was worriedly staring at my arm, rejecting to have any physical contact with me. We were doing BJJ grappling training at that time. As a component of MMA, sometimes BJJ can be very intense. We went to the clinic after the class, and I was holding an ice packing on my elbow all the way. Luckily the X-ray result looks good and no issue with the bones. I told my friend “I can join Muay Thai class with you tomorrow morning. My legs and left arm are fine.” She rejected again and warned me to rest and see how it is. I agreed unwillingly.
“Unwillingly” is because I’m not kind of person who can voice out “I cannot” when I really cannot. I always think probably I hang in a bit and I can make it or I can finish it. It’s quite silly but surprisingly I’ve been doing this for 27 years, that I want to show people that I can. But is that always right?
What I was doing and thinking with first time badly injury
Similar situation happened before.
The first time that I got badly injured is when I was a fresher in university. Almost everyone needs to participate in the “military training” as the start of their college lives in China. Few people with valid personal reasons can skip it. Somehow my right foot started paining during the training and it’s hard for me to walk properly.
Yes, you’re right. I didn’t speak it out to have proper rest. Instead, I took few more days’ training till it ended. As a consequence, I couldn’t walk more than 1km continuously for two years. My right foot started paining after the certain distance.
What I was thinking those days is all about “why me?” I’m super active since i was little. The pain came frequently from daily activities and I was upset by it all the time. It’s cruel to let runners not run, high jumper not jump, sporty people not do sports anymore. Doctors had no clue about the root cause and how to cure it. “Why I had to suffer all these?” is what I always complained that time. I didn’t realise it is because I was wrong at the very beginning, rather than the unfair fate, leading to the consequences.
It has been two weeks and my arm is still painful. Apparently something is wrong. Why I only realised it after two weeks? Because I was so stupid that I didn’t think playing skateboard would hurt my arms. The fact is I fell down right on my arm one week after the injury. Thus I did another medical check after observing for another week, MRI shows ligament low grade tear. “No need for surgery but better to stop all the sport activities for at least three months” suggested by my doctor.
So here I am. Follow whatever the doctors say and try not do stupid things AGAIN. After freezing my gym membership and drum classes, putting my gloves/BJJ uniforms/basketball/skateboard in the store room, I get lots of free time now to do those things deprioritized by me before, like learning new tech stack, reading interested books, catching up latest movies, cycling (the only activity approved by the doctor) and introspecting. Comparing with the first time experience, not insist training after injury is a big improvement for me. Besides, I barely think about “Why me?” even though I desperately wish I could join my friends’ sports activities, because I know something from myself wasn’t right at the very beginning. Maybe it’s because of the underestimation of the injury or not getting enough rest before training. It must be a series of small related events causing what it is now. I know I did ignore some signals from my body saying “It cannot” or “I cannot”. Something has to be changed.
Is it really that hard to say “I cannot”? Two words with three pronunciations seems quite easy. The problem is that sometimes we take it as denial of our abilities, and some people might think only losers do it. Actually it needs more courage to surrender sometimes.
We’re living in a competitive community and comparing ourselves with others or being compared with other consciously or unconsciously. However, there is no standard rules measuring what people should achieve. Be cautious and wise to compare with others because everyone is born different and can be good at various fields. While comparing with ourselves, “I did it last time so I must complete/surpass it today”, some people think about it in this way, including me. Is this a must? What we are today is the same as/better than what we were last time? We’re most likely to neglect some key factors supporting us, like our physical or mental status and the surrounding environment, while only focusing on the target. Dangerous.
The truth is admitting “I cannot” after trying isn’t shameful at all. What we try to avoid in life is giving up before trying our best. Also, it doesn’t mean we lose the chance to say “I can” in the future. Just don’t push yourself too hard and take a break when you sense something is not right. Remember that mental health is as important as physical health. I realise it after nine years from first severe injury, and I’ve been through countless mild injuries in between unfortunately I’ve never sit down and thought about it till now:
You can always take a rest and it must be a good rest. To rest for a while is for us to walk further. The world can wait.
