Trying to smile

Today has been a very ordinary day. A day that is slowly ending with me going to places in my mind that aren't necessarily the happiest. That being said I decided that to calm myself down by writing everything down.

1. Unemployment.

Ever since I decided to move from Poland to Australia I have been struggling to find a job. Its been over a year and I have done some casual work but nothing serious. I am in a place that used to be home and yet I feel very uninvited. Everyday new day is a reminder of me loosing in life. My friends here and back in Poland are moving forward, progressing, developing careers and I am 26 without a job. You might say — get any job — and I am trying to do so — but even retail or hospitality roles require experience in field these days and I simply don't have that — all I have is experience in my field. I never thought this would be me, I didn’t see it coming. I was the top student throughout my whole life, got into the best schools, my friends admired me for my ability to learn and get good grades. Just after finishing all my exams in my master degree course I got a steady job at a multinational company. I did good internships in Poland, volunteer work — even in India and yet now no employer wants me. I am undesirable. Nobody see’s worth in me. How can I believe in myself after feeling rejected for over a year? It makes me constantly fear about never getting a job — and I am still not quite sure what I want to do in life.

2. Lack of commitment/Cancer

My mother died of cancer nearly 4 years ago. She was just 45. I never got to know my Grandmother — she died at the age of 43 — also cancer. I think you see where this is going. I have a scheduled appointment this week with my oncologist. Yes I have a oncologist at the age of 26. The fear — or in my case fear and certainty of being sick is beginning to take over my life. I count the years now to the age of my mums first diagnosis. She was 34 — that leaves me 8 years. What can I accomplish in 8 years? Can I get married? Develop a career? Have kids? The older I get I tick things off the to-do-list because simply I think there’s not that much time left. This year while showed me how the fear and certainty influenced my whole personality. I realize that I hop from one place to another, one job to another, one uni to another — for crying out loud one country to another — because I fear that I simply don’t have the time and I have to hurry through life. I'm not afraid of getting cancer — that I am fine with. I'm just afraid of not accomplishing those big life steps — because after the diagnosis who would want a girl with cancer? without one or two boobs? How will I even think about a career at that point? Or children? I would just want those life stages sorted out by then. Is that a big thing to ask for? I see others getting married, developing careers or having children (some even have it all!). Just not me. And even now sometimes I think how can I possible dream to have kids if I know my chances are very high? Do I want to risk my kids childhood? I am not sure about the answer anymore.

3. Sacrificing for my family

My whole life I have been putting my family needs before mine. When I was in high-school my Mum was once again diagnosed with cancer. I took care for her while others had fun. I decided to go to the nearest university just to be close by to her. I chose a easy degree instead of my dream career. I simplified my life in order to be close to my family and home. I don't regret that though. I cherish every moment I spent with my beautiful mother. She was a true Hero. And I miss her everyday. Sometimes I feel like my grief gets worse not better. Now I moved to a smaller city with not the best opportunities to take care of my brother in high-school while my father is back in Poland building a new life with his new partner. I deal with parenting issues when I shouldn’t be. But once again I do not regret that. All I would love is appreciation, hearing thank you from time to time. I would like people to see me as this person — as a person that does everything for others. Not like a 26 year old young woman without a job or purpose in life. I lack people seeing more to me.

So for now that is it. Life ain’t easy in many ways. I remember though that millions out there have it way worse, what makes my heart break. I try not to compare to others, though on tougher days that is a hard goal to achieve. I try to live my life. One step at a time. I try to breathe. I try to smile at the end of the day no matter what.

There are heaps of reasons to do so. My wonderful partner — I adore him. I am truly lucky, we both are to have one another. With all our imperfections we make a great couple (no Instagram filters needed) My brother — he means the world to me. Always will no matter what will happen. My father — I see him trying to be better to us everyday day. I am grateful for him being my father. My friends — known most of them for over 10 years now. Without them I would not be the person who I am today. They are always there for me no matter what. They know when to cheer me up, tell me a joke, go out with me or just be there in silence. My cousins — they are like my brother and sister. Together we could all rule the world. We fight and yet love eachother at the same time.

My mother. Even if she is not around anymore — I am so happy and proud she was my Mother. Greatest woman on earth.

Smile. There it is.