I Forgot I Was Once a Little Kid
It has been… months since the last time I’ve had a self-hate talk.
That is such a great sentence to start this writing because if you told me 3 years ago I stopped doing it, I wouldn’t believe you.
This journey is still far away from finished but I know I’m getting there.
I’m so used to disregarding my feelings, telling myself that I am not capable of the job I’m given, and every other mean thing. Even when the people around me are being supportive, I always find myself not deserving of anything.
I always chase for more and more to the point I forget to tell myself I did enough. I don’t know when exactly this started, but I guess once you become an adult, you start to criticize yourself more in everything that you do, right?
But, in October, I stumbled upon a picture of myself when I was still a toddler. I think I was 3 or 4 year-old. When I found that picture, I was in the middle of constantly thinking about many things, but one of them was how I think I didn’t do enough in 2023. I was quite frustrated with myself, having to listen to my thoughts over and over again about all the criticism I pointed towards myself. Even when other people told me I did a really good job, somehow my mind convinced me that they were lying to make me feel better because they know how hard I am with myself.
The more I look at that picture, the more I feel bad for myself. For her. For that little girl standing awkwardly in front of the camera but still gave off her best smile.
With everything that happened to me over the past years, from the bad and the good, I forgot I was once a little kid.
I forgot that every time I tell myself I am not deserving of anything good, I am also saying those to that little girl.
I forgot when I said to myself that life isn’t worth living because Dad isn’t here anymore, I am also convincing that little girl to forget how Mom is still here giving her so much love and supporting her in every way she can.
I forgot when I almost gave up on my life because of how difficult dealing with grief was, I am also giving up on that little girl who held so many hopes for her life in the future.
I forgot when I hide myself from doing what makes me happy, I am also hiding that little girl who was so carefree in front of people.
I forgot when I told myself I am not smart, I am also telling that little girl who tried her best to write the number “5” correctly in kindergarten that her effort means nothing but a waste.
I forgot when I told myself I was ugly, I was also telling that little girl the same thing in front of her face.
I forgot when I told myself I was not confident, I was also discouraging that little girl who was so proud of herself when she held that microphone to talk in English for the first time in kindergarten while standing before so many people.
All those regrets popped up in my head and was eating me slowly. I realized all this time I grew up not becoming the person that I wanted to be because I think so much about how other people perceive me.
What I didn’t notice all this time as I grew older is that I still carry her inside me wherever I go. I didn’t notice that I was once a little kid with hopes and dreams and would be discouraged if she heard all the awful things I’d said to her.
And so, because of that, I want to give my little self a tight hug and tell her I am sorry for even thinking of doubting her. To tell her I am sorry for forgetting about her when life is becoming too tough to live in. To tell her I would try my best to make her happy and create the best life she wished for.
Now, ever since I used that picture of me when I was a toddler as my phone wallpaper, I found myself unconsciously slowly stopping doing the self-hate talk. Maybe because every morning when I wake up and look at my phone, I try to do anything for her sake.
I wake up in the morning for her, I slowly stop overthinking for her, I tell myself I am smart and deserving of many good things for her, and I learn something new for her. I try to build up my confidence and believe in myself for her.
This is just the beginning of me re-learning how to appreciate myself. I still have a long journey ahead of me, but I’m willing to do everything slowly and consistently.
For her.
