An Open Letter to Tina Fey
This was originally published on July 13, 2013 on The Passion of Christopher Pierznik
Anyone that knows me knows that I am an enormous fan of Tina Fey. It’s not because we grew up relatively close to one another — although we were separated by only about 35 miles — and it’s not because of her physical attractiveness — though I do find her both beautiful and sexy. It’s because of her intellect. And her humor. And her writing ability. And her acting ability. And her ambition. And her ability to take society’s gender stereotypes and turn them on their head. Basically, she’s a cool chick that would be awesome to hang out with for a night.
Since she isn’t on Twitter, I decided to pen an open letter to her here. This is probably the closest I’ll ever be to actually telling her these things, so if you know her, print this out and give it to her.
Just be sure to tell her that I’m not a wacko.
Dear Ms. Fey,
I don’t want to be too forward, but I love you.
I’ve really liked (like like) you since your early days on camera at SNL. Your smart ass approach to Weekend Update was brilliant, but in an easily digestible way so that everyone could appreciate it. In that sense, it was like The Howard Stern Show and “The Simpsons.” Smart people appreciated it. Not-so-smart people appreciated it. My like (like like) for you continued with Mean Girls and then became uber like (like LIKE like) with the creation of “30 Rock.”
It wasn’t until I listened to the audiobook of Bossypants that I decided to take my devotion to you to the next level. How many likes equal love? I don’t know, but I reached and surpassed that number, however high it may be. I’m not saying I love you more than my mother, sister, wife, and daughter, but I would very seriously consider framing them for a horrific crime if it meant I could hang out with you.
Wait, this is coming out wrong.
Let me start over.
Listening to Bossypants gave a much clearer window into who you are as a person, whether where your intelligent comedy comes from, or the background for why you have become an unofficial spokesperson for every smart woman that has been unfairly maligned for having a vagina.
In a world where women are objectified for their looks and criticized for voicing their opinions, you stand above it all, pointing out the absurdity that a no-nonsense man is called “take charge,” but a no-nonsense woman is a “bitch.” Besides, bitches get stuff done.
As someone that has worked for both men and women, I can tell you that I actually prefer working for women. And as far as “bitches,” I worked for a woman that was the sweetest woman outside of the office, but no-nonsense at work. I loved working for that woman. Not only would she go to bat for you, she would take that bat and use it to bash everyone’s head in like De Niro in The Untouchables.
By pulling back the curtain on how photo shoots are conducted, you give insight into how the media makes women into perfect specimens that men expect actual women to look like. The fact that you put it in a humorous context makes it even better.
By the tone of the book and some of the comments made within, you make it sound like only women and some gay men are your fans. That is not true. I’m the type of guy that wouldn’t care if his wife didn’t change her name after marriage (she didn’t and I don’t care) and would be proud to have my wife make more money than me. That is a testament to how great the woman by my side in our partnership is, not an indictment on me as a man. I have my insecurities, but they aren’t where society thinks they are. Much like your fight to have women respected for more than their bodies and beyond the age of 28, I strive to prove that men are more than what is portrayed in beer commercials and CBS sitcoms. There are millions of us men that appreciate a woman with your talents and grace. Unfortunately, we are drowned out by the vocal, vulgar minority, much like the small, rowdy section of frat boys in a stadium full of respectful fans.
The squeaky wheel gets the grease and the loud douche gets the attention.
Moreover, you seem to act the way most of us would like to believe we would act if we became famous. You don’t take your fame and success for granted, but you don’t take it too seriously either. Rather, you always seem to have a Can-You-Believe-This-Bullshit-Gets-All-This-Attention-Fuck-It-Let’s-Have-Fun-With-It attitude. You are, at once, the person on the stage and the person making fun of those on the stage. Of course, the Hutch to your Starsky, Amy Poehler, is the same way and that’s why the two of you should host every awards show on the planet.
More than anything, though, your honesty is what does it for me. On Weekend Update, you were honest when lampooning the news. On “30 Rock,” you were honest when you were lampooning yourself, NBC, Comcast, television, stardom, and show business. In Bossypants, you were just honest. You revealed the origin of your scar (something I honestly no longer even notice) and the struggle that you felt when deciding whether or not to have another child, not only for yourself, but the for hundreds of people that depend(ed) upon you for a paycheck. Most people, let alone famous people, would make that decision selfishly without a second thought.
You’re a writer that once admitted in an acceptance speech that you and your writing team had an argument about where punctuation goes with regards to a quotation mark. The way you presented it was humorous, but I appreciated the honesty of it. That is something that nearly every writer has questioned at least once in his life and, for as honest as I am, I would never admit to being positive of the answer. I would see it as some sort of admission that I’m not worthy or that I don’t belong. It would suggest that I’m not really a writer. If I didn’t know that, what else did I not know? In comparison, you told that story while accepting an award for outstanding writing. Self-deprecating? Yes. Self-aware? Yes. Honest? Absolutely.
Well, I’ve taken far too much of your time. I just wanted to say thank you for being who you are and doing what you do. Although this will be the closest you and I will probably ever get to having a beer and making fun of everyone and everything in sight, I had to let you know that you are both a beautiful woman whose talent I appreciate and an inspiration to do the things I want to do with my life.
In short, I love you (love love) and, in an alternate universe and dimension, would be grateful to be referred to as Mr. Tina Fey.
Sincerely,
Christopher Pierznik
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Christopher Pierznik is the author of six books, all of which can be purchased in Paperback, Kindle and Nook. His new book, Philadelphia, will be released in spring, 2015. A former feature contributor and managing editor of I Hate JJ Redick, he has written for a variety of other sites including XXL.com. He works in finance and spends his evenings reading and drinking craft beer. You can like his Facebook page here and follow him on Twitter here.
