Long ago, I had promised myself that I would no longer do it at the office. It was too risky. There are too many wandering eyes and not enough privacy. But there I was, once again unable to stop myself. I sensed that she was looking and when I glanced over my shoulder, I saw her face quickly morph from curiosity to revelation, her eyes growing wide. In that instant, I knew that she knew.
I made it easy. Whereas I had once been so careful, so secretive, I was now getting sloppy. Even six months ago, I would never have put myself in such a compromising situation, but now I was acting as if it were public knowledge.
The Internet knows me and knows my secret, but my parents and siblings, colleagues and coworkers do not. I’ve laid bare everything in my heart and soul on Twitter and Facebook, but every Thanksgiving and Christmas I pray to GodBuddhaAllahYahwehChristopherHitchens that the people that spent years with me and knew me when I was at my most vulnerable won’t uncover my secret. My wife knows, but she usually pretends as if it’s not real, choosing to ignore the topic altogether, focusing instead on the seemingly limitless day-to-day tasks that need to be completed.
My daughter is too young to know, but that will certainly change, probably sooner than I realize. One day, she’ll probably find out. Regardless of whether I tell her or my wife does or she finds out in another, less preferable way (like through that deadly character assassin, Google), it’s just a matter of time. My biggest fear isn’t her knowing, but that she’ll tell Grandma and Pop Pop what she knows. That will be the worst case scenario.
I know I should stop. It takes my attention away from both my personal and professional life and it only encourages me to fantasize of the life I could have rather than the one I’m currently living. But even I know it’s too late. Even if I never did it again, the proof is out there. I’ve done too much for too long. My digital footprint is too large and too embedded to scrub completely. The evidence is overwhelming.
Hopefully none of them — not my parents, not my brother, not my sister, not my friends at work, not the acquaintances I have everywhere in between — will learn the awful truth.
Hopefully they’ll never discover that long after I leave the office and kiss my wife goodnight, when most people are comfortably situated under blankets, deep in sleep, I am awake, often in the dark, doing the one thing that I do my best to keep hidden, the one thing that I cannot stop doing no matter how hard I try.
Christopher Pierznik is the author of six books, including Publish Your Book for FREE! His books can be purchased in Paperback, Kindle, and Nook. A former feature contributor and managing editor of I Hate JJ Redick, he has also written for XXL, Please Don’t Stare, Amusing My Bouche, Reading & Writing is for Dumb People, and others. He works in finance and spends his evenings changing diapers and drinking craft beer. He once applied to be a cast member on The Real World, but was rejected. You can like his Facebook page here, follow him on Twitter here, and read more of his work here.
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