anger

today, i've discovered my inability to process sadness. that i process emotions poorly, it was never a question, but if i can' t process those feelings, how could i ever describe them to a professional?

fits of anger are what brings me the most shame, it is the least constructive response. it is unpleasing for everyone. people get hurt, be it justly or not. i start to panic. it' s frowned upon, and for a good reason, it is pathetic and childish. it is not voluntary, and it is my duty to better myself.

however, i can' t process sadness.

sometimes, at bed, when bad thoughts come, i panic, i address the panic and in the end, the sadness loses its protagonism. when i receive tragic news, i' ve come to faint in shock. so i don' t have to process sadness.

when someone hurts me, i can't be sad, that' s weak, that's .hard. it is easier to get mad, have a fit of anger, eventually calm down and pretend that it's all ok (even if i have grudges for years and years). so i did not process sadness.

i can't process sadness. it sits untouched in some corner, and i carry it with me.

the tears, however, can't lie. they always come. i used to say that i cry when i'm angry, and that might be true. but maybe sometimes i am angry because i cry. i can process tears.

all the stress. all the days lost reminiscing something that bothered me. i couldn't simply say that i am hurt.

or maybe i'm just angry. or maybe i'm just sad. or maybe its all the same.