Become happier, healthier and richer. Enabling, be gone!
Yes!
The word literally means the affirmative. It’s the one amongst the zeros. It’s the word we like to hear. Yes, opens the door. Yes, you got the job! Yes, I can help you move. Yes, I’ll marry you!
It is a different story for those of us who say yes all the time — then the word becomes a weight, full of guilt and shame.
For recovering enablers like me, there once was nothing but yes! No was not an option even when no would have been a much more appropriate answer. Yes, was accompanied by a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Yes, was the monkey on my back, the devil I sold my soul to.
Many of us are “yes people”, people-pleasers, enablers, and/or co-dependent. We are the men and women who would like nothing more than to suddenly acquire the courage to say NO!
Our days are filled with helping, doing, fixing, paying more than our share, working overtime, covering someone else’s ass, saving someone from the consequences of their actions, sparing someone from the discomfort of their painful choices, stepping in to take the blame, and always giving 110%.
We take responsibility because someone’s gotta do it. We work harder and stick to it longer than anyone else because we feel obligated. No one else is stepping up. But that’s not a good reason to fuck up your life.
I’m not enabling I’m giving
I argue with other enablers when they try to justify their enabling behavior and call it charity. There is a big difference between charity and enabling. Sometimes it is hard to know the difference before hand but after the fact you’ll know if you enabled because every single time you enable it comes back to bite you in the ass. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
When you enable, it’s like giving money to a millionaire. She doesn’t need it. She’s a millionaire. She has more money than you — but you pay for breakfast anyway. My treat, you hear yourself saying and she doesn’t argue. Sure! Who wouldn’t love a free breakfast?
Or you don’t charge for your services when you should. I was only there for five minutes, you rationalize. I can’t charge for that. I’ll give them a break and they’ll become a loyal customer. Sure they become loyal. Loyally asking for more. They come back time and time again except they expect a break every time and you can’t disappoint them. Heaven forbid! They expect a discount so you deliver. No one can say you let people down.
Enabling doesn’t only hurt you. It hurts the people you’re enabling too. They might not realize it at the time, but you are robbing them of the experiences they need to grow. You’re preventing them from taking responsibility for their actions. They don’t grow and you don’t grow. You both lose.
The trick to outsmarting your enabling behavior is to not beat yourself up over it. Don’t feel shame and regret. Let it go. The shame makes you enable more because that’s how you prove to yourself that you’re a good person, a deserving person, and you hope one day someone will recognize that and give you the recognition and recompense you know you’ve earned many times over.
Except they don’t and you wouldn’t take it if they did. You find it hard to accept compliments or bonuses or praise.
The universe doesn’t reward enabling. You give your time, your money, everything you have to people who don’t need it and the universe thinks you must not think that much of yourself. The universe only mirrors back to us what we have invested so if you think you’re not good enough, the universe thinks you’re not good enough too.
So here are the simple rules, if you’re determined to rout out enabling and modify your behavior thereby becoming mentally healthier, happier, and richer:
1. Stop shame! Do not give yourself grief over your enabling. Don’t beat yourself up. Bring your enabling behavior out of the shadows and shine a bright light on it. You’re an enabler not a murderer. And you’re a good person, a REALLY good person, with a misplaced sense of duty and obligation. That’s all. No biggie. There are lots of us out there. A support group of enablers can help but is not required.
2. Identify your triggers. Take note of what people say and do or don’t say or don’t do that cause you to enable. Just make notes. I guarantee you will get better and better at identifying situations where you enable.
3. Just observe. Don’t do anything but observe for the first few months. Just observing without shame or guilt is the final and most important nail in your enabling coffin. You can actually learn to stop yourself from enabling! You will start to say NO without choking and the world won’t come to an end. You don’t lose all your friends, family, and in my case, customers.
It turns out no one is really expecting a free lunch (or breakfast) and almost everyone will pay a reasonable price for what they want. So you don’t need to give everyone a discount. No one runs a sale all the time. If they do, they’re still making money. Rational business people, don’t lose money consistently. Only you do. You’re enabling.
Also, if you’re always giving yourself away, people get suspicious. What is she up to? It doesn’t feel right to them, nor should it. They lose respect for you and may move on to another company that offers the same services you do, but at a much higher cost. Enabling actually drives them into the arms of your competitors and they willingly pay more! Consider your ass bitten.
I am a recovering enabler. I enable much, much less than I used to. My husband was an enabler too and we helped each other NOT to beat ourselves up when we fucked up. We got back on the horse. We still enable every once in awhile but we can quickly identify why and take steps to mitigate or remove the triggers.
Expectations were the hardest for us and still are. We reacted to expectations and even the slightest hint of disappointment. We had to catch ourselves and re-frame situations all the time. Now we don’t care if someone is disappointed. If they can’t get what they want from us it’s probably unreasonable. We don’t want that person in our lives anyway — or if we do, we want an equitable, respectful relationship. Either way, they need to manage their own disappointment.
Get rid of your enabling by following the three steps above. You will need to remind yourself often in the beginning, but I guarantee you will feel more self-aware, less resentful, richer and happier by the end. Your efforts will pay off. You will see results in about three months.
I don’t know if I can ever be completely cured. There might be situations waiting for me down the line that trip me up but I am much, much better than I used to be and I’m proud of the progress I’ve made. I’m ready for whatever is coming because it’s ok to fail. Just not all the time.
You can do it too! Save your ass from being bitten once and for all. Stop enabling!
