What To Do When Life Kicks You In The Face?

You could most probably relate to me. I recently encountered a string of disappointments and unexpected setbacks. No matter how hard I tried, I was swimming against tide. The waves kept hitting me and pushing me back. It’s like trying to keep afloat on a log in a stormy sea. You are just trying to hang on for dear life and wish that it would pass soon.

So, what to do about it?

To start off, it’s so easy to ignore or try to suppress the torrent of emotions and bypass the grieving process.

Often it is difficult to sit with the feelings of loss, sadness and disappointment. Disappointment often has to do with being denied something (or someone) that you value or had wanted to value. You have to come to terms with not attaining or being able to bring back what was lost. It takes courage to admit loss and failure.

Loss, sadness and disappointment are also profound and difficult emotions to handle, especially since they sometimes deflate and battle with our egos and self-perceptions. They can be overwhelming. Some people associate these feelings with admitting failure, while others may associate them with weakness.

However emotions are real and informative. If you don’t feel anything, then whatever it is (person, dream, job) that you have lost may not be important. The more valuable it is to you, the greater will be the intensity of the pain. Hence the last thing that you want to do is to engage in denial or to convince yourself that the mistake/loss doesn’t matter. It matters, that’s why it hurts. This is precisely the opportunity to ask why is the “thing” important to you and to reassess your priorities. As Bill Walsh said, “if your why is strong enough you will figure out how!”

“It’s fine to celebrate success but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure” — Bill Gates

Exercising self-compassion and self-love will be critical.

It’s different from throwing a “pity party” for yourself. It’s about showing yourself genuine compassion, understanding and concern just as you would to a friend. Instead of beating yourself up or blaming others, self-compassion is about taking a caring and supportive approach. The self-talk may sound like, “it’s ok and it’s natural to feel sad. This is important to you and you worked really hard for it. You made a mistake or your approach didn’t work. But I know you can do it. There may be another way to get to the same goal…”

In contrast, the voice of a self-critic would say, “You’re so stupid and lame! What a loser! You’re hopeless. You will never amount to anything!” It sounds harsh but if you listen to your own inner voice, you may subconsciously be saying these words to yourself. Sometimes, a broken tape may be in your head re-playing both the mishap and the inner-critical voice.

As Kristin Neff, an Associate Professor of Human Development noted,

“There is an ever-increasing body of research that attests to the motivational power of self-compassion. Self-compassionate people set high standards for themselves, but they aren’t as upset when they don’t meet their goals. Instead, research shows that they’re more likely to set new goals for themselves after the failure rather than wallowing in feelings of frustration and disappointment.”

In times of emotional stress, it’s easy to neglect the body. The mind and body are linked. Taking care of your body will be a powerful first step in lifting the gloomy feelings, including simple things such as:

• Getting enough rest and sleep
• Eating well
• Exercising to relieve stress (and finding healthy outlets)

Now that we have addressed the heart and body, we are ready to turn to the mind.

Gaining new perspectives will help in the bounce back.

“Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.” — Nelson Mandela

Thankfully, as economist and Financial Times columnist Tim Hartford pointed out, “few of our own failures are fatal.” As the common saying (and Kelly Clarkson’s song) goes, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” When the door closes in one place, a window may open in another place. There is no new beginning if there’s no closure. But it’s difficult to find the good in bad situations on our own. It is often helpful to find counsel or gather a circle of trusted advisors around you to receive support and feedback. They may be helpful in providing objective perspectives, suggesting new things, and keeping you accountable in trying alternative approaches.

“Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.” — Winston Churchill

Creating Safe Spaces to Fail

“I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 things that do not work.” — Thomas Edison

I love the story of Twyla Tharp (the renown American dancer and choreographer for American Ballet theatre) waiting up at 5:30am, videotaping herself dancing for 3 hours each morning, and potentially only yielding just 30 seconds of usable footage.

As she said, “The best failures are the private ones you commit in the confines of your own room, with no strangers watching.”

It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all — in which case, you fail by default.” — J.K. Rowling

Sometimes we forget that the number failures behind each success. There are many examples of famous individuals who failed multiple times before succeeding. For example, Albert Einstein didn’t speak until he was four and didn’t read until he was seven. Growing up, his teachers and parents even thought that he had developmental delays and may even be mentally handicapped! He went on to win the Nobel Prize and revolutionized modern physics.

Similarly, Vincent Van Gough failed as an art dealer and sold only one painting in his lifetime, four months prior to his death. In the same vein, Michael Jordan shared,

“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times. I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

Hence when you encounter disappointments or failures, you are just joining the ranks of many great people.

“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” — Robert F. Kennedy

Separating your identity from external circumstances and performance will be key.

When you encounter setbacks or disappointments, it doesn’t mean that you are a failure. There are many reasons contributing to circumstances not working out the way that you had hoped or envisioned. Some of those reasons may be within your control and some of them may be out of your control. But ultimately, your identity is rooted in who are you — your character, your inner being, your strength and resilience. You don’t need to be defined by setbacks or disappointments.

Tell yourself, “I’m not a failre. I failed at doing something.” There’s a big difference. — Erma Bombeck

Also, remember that failure is temporary!

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” — Winston Churchill

Just as success is temporary, failure is also temporary (unless you decide to give up or not to stand up again). An important insight offered by Thomas Edison is, “many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” You can make a choice in continuing forward or giving up at any point. Sometimes it’s not about charging down the same path despite mishaps; it’s about learning from past mistakes and finding a new course forward.

“Failure is a detour; not a dead-end street.” Zig Ziglar

Finally, when you are ready to chart out your new course, it’s helpful to set realistic expectations and also to focus on leveraging your strengths. We can’t become an Olympic athlete or NBA player overnight. Self-awareness and self-knowledge are important in determining your way forward.

“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.” — Henry Ford

So, what’s next? For me, a combination of writing and reflection helps me to process mentally and emotionally. Art and physical exericse are great outlets. I am also fortunate enough to have a broad circle of trusted friends and advisors who offer loving support and wise counsel, as well as to serve as helpful sounding boards. In the end, you will need to find what fits you best in handling disappointments and setbacks. Even for the same person, each failure holds different lessons.

“Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement.” — C.S.Lewis