Ugly.
I don’t know when it happened or how I found out, but I’m ugly. My face is dry as a bone today,my hair’s so puffy it looks like Jiffy Pop on an electric stove. My stomach pours out over my feet onto the sidewalk. I hate to be noticed but I may see you and smile. I’m so completely ashamed of myself that I want to run away and stand behind a tall tree to think for a minute. But then again I also long for attention and connection during this crisis of conformity. I’m confusing. And quite contrary when I’m hurting. I feel like I hate AND I want/need. Maybe I should do something drastic:
Like:
#1. Go on a water fast.
#2. Take an extra anti-depressant (every-other-day.)
#3. Start boot-camp exercises Monday morning.
#4. Save up for total body lift surgery.
#5. Sacrifice now for long-term goals.
#6. Cut my hair off.
#7. Google “hypo-thyroid disorder.”
#8. Smoke another cigarette.
#9. Get two more tattoos on my face.(just kidding…..not really.)
#10. Write something devastating and profound.
#11. Go back to shooting heroin.
#12. Get a forty ounce bottle of Olde English in a brown paper bag, and guzzle it down on someone’s front steps until I feel more again.
#13. Keep this in Drafts and try to delete it somehow.
#13. Just snap-out of this silly self-pity.
#14. End this list in the name of all human kind and take a break away from further nauseating self doubt…?
Hmmmm.
I’ll think about it.
