I’ve tried very hard over my life to be a “when life hands you lemons, make lemonade” kinda person. Below anxiety and ptsdI’m a cheerful optimist, which often surprises and unnerves folks. It’s just that after a while, as much as I love lemonade it gets old, the lemons start to rot and my digestive system can’t handle anymore citrus.
Then I end up hurling rotting lemons at people on twitter in my mind. It’s surprisingly helpful.
Now, now I just try to make the best decision I can for myself and build from there everyday. November has changed the very fabric of my life in many ways I could not have anticipated, one I refused to believe was possible, and has complicated everything.
Electing Trump made me sick. Figuratively and literally. PTSD came up worse than it has in years as my harassers have oval office access and someone who models the behavior of my abusers runs the country. I was proactive, made psych med changes and went back on benzos plus returned to a more regular therapy schedule. Changing psych meds is always a gamble. This is paying off, but it ain’t easy.
The custody battle over our kids with the ex-wife came to an abrupt end for a ton of reasons that aren’t anyone who isn’t in this house business. There was an abrupt end, it was a shock, it is emotionally hard to deal with and after being in a legal war for so long it’s hard to even begin to imagine life without that.
Of course, I have fucking shingles which leaves my already shitty immune system exposed and have caught bugs off the kids that with everything else drained me.
So yet again it is getting better and moving forward into uncharted waters. Getting better is the hardest, most painful part of life with MI for me. (MI = Mental Illness) Unlearning survival habits that hold me back when I no longer actually need them.
What to do with all these rotting lemons now that I’m feeling extra exposed on twitter.
One good decision. A tumbler of water and not soda. Waking up the first time my eyes open and not reasoning my way into sleeping all day. Eating some fruit and not cookie dough. Clean up this space for 5 minutes. Fold this laundry cause I can do it sitting down. Do breathing exercises before instantly reaching for klonopin. Take a bath when time allows because I’ll feel better with some of the stress scraped off. Saying no to company I can’t handle. Saying yes to company I can so I can be less of a hermit.
Logging in and working 20 minutes so I don’t get too behind, so anxiety doesn’t take over.
Playing lego batman with my youngest when I can because when I blink he grows.
Turning my phone completely off when I’m on the floor vomiting. Puking Crista is not brilliant, plus anti nausea meds make me lose time.
Put on eyeliner with lounge clothing because eyeliner makes me feel badass.
When I feel like a failure, write out everything I’ve done, survived and all the goals I’ve made. I stood up, alone, in front of hundreds of people for two hours and didn’t puke on stage or bomb.
That’s a goal I never thought I’d make.
So that is how I am surviving right now. One good decision at a time.