#WhyWomenDontReport — My stories

I am not an angry girl, but it seems I’ve got everyone fooled.

Every time I say something they find hard to hear, they chalk it up to my anger and never to their own fear.

Imagine you’re a girl, just trying to finally come clean, knowing full well they’d prefer you were dirty

and smiling. #-Ani DiFranco, not a pretty girl

The #WhyWomenDontReport hashtag has been an incredible space for empathy, understanding, and healing. This is the second half of a long piece I wrote yesterday — starting on facebook — that became an outpouring of the pain that lives inside of me from navigating a lifetime of violations. Pain that could no longer be contained as my country flirts with electing a sexual predator to it’s highest office.

This is a raw stream of consciousness that is not polished, well edited or easy to read. That is how I need this to be, for myself, a pure outpouring of pain I’ve wanted to get out of myself for years. These words and experiences are triggering — please care for yourself during and after reading. I care about you, I believe you, I see you. -Crista Anne

I *knew* that sexism would crawl out from under rocks like racism did with President Obama, I’ve been steeling myself for it. Assumed that as I interact with MRAs I’d be ahead of the curve.

I did not see being gaslighted by a large portion of my government, elected officials, writers I once respected, the nominee of the republican party. I do not use the term gaslighting lightly either. (Few people I know do, but I know I’m facing the trope of liberal feminist killjoy.) Since Friday I have been yelling at my screens, tweeting at people pleading to stop using victim blaming framing.

Crying at friends.

Making a scene is almost never how a femme/marginalized person responds to a sudden violation. Especially when the person violating is physically larger than they are. (Do not forget that Trump is a large man) When they are a famous “playboy” “billionaire”? Fuuuuuuuck.

I have worked in sexuality my entire adult life. I have had trainings, workshops, intensives, and tens of thousands of hours researching sexual dynamics, abuse, ways to address rape culture and make safer spaces for victims among so many other topics. Worked doing daily one on one or group sex ed 60+ hours a week for years.

I, myself, have been in, stayed in, and gotten out of abusive relationships. I am a child sexual abuse survivor and a rape survivor as an adult. I have moved through life seen more as a sex object than a human and dealt with the unwanted attention that brings. I am experienced here.

It’s still hard for me to tell twitter followers — people I do not know and would not notice if they stopped following me five minutes from now — that they’ve even verbally violated my boundaries. Let alone that dude I kinda know from that one place where that stuff was going on. Let alone a friend. Let alone someone I respect. It’s hard, it makes me feel sick and scared.

I cannot fathom when it’s Donald Trump.

Someone known for ruining lives for the slightest transgression. A gate keeper to better life. An incredibly famous person. An incredibly litigious famous person.

And you’re just you.

Maybe he just slid a hand down. The kiss on the mouth you did not want. Maybe he used his size to block the exits and your view of anything else. He did just enough to make you feel scared, violated, humiliated, dehumanized, helpless and angry.

Say something?

Who would believe you? More so if you don’t completely believe you.

Look at how we — the collective we — treat victims. Treat those who speak up, those who make a scene, those who file charges. Look at Amber Heard — She did *everything* exactly right — perfectly almost — to be a “good” victim. Evidence, witnesses, video, audio, charges pressed, *and* gave away her divorce settlement.

Her abuser was Johnny Depp tho, so none of that mattered and she’s still a whore out to ruin his life.

Of course these women, these people, didn’t say anything at the time. Of course they had to wait until there were others, many others, so many that there was support and solidarity. They waited until he bragged about it. Then they waited until he flatly stated he never did anything like that on live national TV. Almost all of them say that was a slap in the face, a new trauma, finally too much that their amazingly brave selves spoke out.

Now? Now we’re slutshaming a 74 year old woman. We have airline seat truthers. Lou Dobbs is tweeting their home addresses and phone numbers. They support or plan on voting for Hillary Clinton (like a majority of white women of that class are) so they cannot be trusted. They’re doing it for attention.

It’s a media conspiracy.

Trump is now demeaning them, mocking their claims, being a bully and a fucking predatory abuser to the delight of thousands of screaming fans and millions more possibly on TV & web.

I cannot imagine.

Earlier Trump said, after repeating a victim’s story incorrectly (because of course) to his massive crowd to “just take a look. Take a look at her” while talking about how beautiful his wife is. That the reporter was too ugly to be assaulted.

Because that tactic works.

Obviously she’s a false accuser because she didn’t turn her fluff piece on the Trump’s pregnancy into a brutal takedown of how she was assaulted. Plus she’s ugly. Plus Melania was very pregnant and who would cheat at that moment in a relationship? (A lot of partners actually.)

Even though all of them describe exactly the behavior that Trump is recorded in multiple venues with multiple people over the span of decades as bragging that he can do because he is famous — None of it is true. They’re all lying. He’d never do that thing that he’s said he’s been doing over and over and over again for decades! NEVER.

And people are going along with it. Heads of government. The elected officials in my area. Media folks. Thought Influencers. Reporters. Political experts. Not to mention tens of millions of people who live all around me.

I have never, ever, ever felt so threatened without having an abusive person enraged and within striking distance. These things have happened to me.

Been groped. I’ve had my pussy grabbed — more than once — meaning a complete stranger felt like trying to penetrate me while walking past in a dark crowed bar or club. They’ve succeeded without my being sure who did it. I’ve been kissed against my will, grabbed exactly like the assistant describes. Reaching to shake someone’s hand and somehow they pull in for a kiss. I’ve been pinched and poked and felt up more times than I can count, starting before I was in kindergarten. I’ve been 11 with a c-cup and men in their 50’s talking about how they can’t wait for me to be legal. Strangers and family friends. Had a step brother who hid in my room to watch me undress.

I’m not even bringing up the sexual abuse in all this. Hell, I’ve had to hide in the woods overnight to keep from being raped when I was 17.

I’ve been shoved against walls and had someone try to shove their tongue down my throat. Multiple times! Then add in that I am an attractive woman who has in adult life enjoyed empowered sexuality. Plus I work in sex or sex toys most of that time? I’m not actually a person — I’m an extra real Real Doll — to an astonishing percentage of the population. A customer when I was running Sex Toy Boutiques once tried to negotiate with the owner of the store how much it would cost to take me home that night — without ever talking to me — and the owner went along with it for a few because he thought it was funny.

Took me until I was 27 and in more advanced consent culture classes that I realized that I didn’t *deserve* that treatment because I’m a sex educator. Didn’t realize sooner because any time I mentioned something that violated my boundaries to trusted people I heard “Well, what do you expect Crista? Look at who you are. Look at what you do. Of course that is going to happen.”

Why am I oversharing here? I’m oversharing because the entitlement that Donald Trump brags about lives within people (My abusers have been of different genders.) who aren’t a famous billionaire. They are everywhere and standing up to them was completely beyond my abilities for most of my life.

Standing up to Donald Trump and saying “He did this to me” is one of the bravest moves I can imagine and I am crying thinking about just my guess at what they are going through right now.

I am, along with millions of other people, are being gaslighted by what feels like The Powers That Be. We are being gaslighted by our government, the media, and people all around us. Everywhere.

To be very clear, I am not unsafe mentally. I am not in a self harming place. I am *not* suicidal. That being said this election might kill me. Between watching one of if not the most powerful, capable, experienced woman woman still have to go through all of this absurd sexist bullshit AND being gaslighted from all directions? Hearing most of the traumas of my life be normalized, justified, defended, minimized, and mocked by the people around me as well as The Powers That Be? This election is killing part of my soul.

This is agonizing. I want to scream, break things, sob and then scream some more. I know I am not alone in this. I know I am not alone in this at all. While usually a soothing comfort, knowing how widespread these feelings are within my friends, lovers, community only makes me feel more helpless.

Before some asshat comes in and attempts to tell me that I can just look away/tune out of the election like that thought never occurred to me. It has and I have tried. Not knowing what is being said and accepted by the society I exist in is far, far worse. I need to know what is being said and I need to know what we are facing. Making them do it to my face, even if my face is just my twitter picture.

If you have never heard stories like this, if you disbelieve me or my pain? Just go click away and find different words to read because I do not need anymore bullshit.

Everyone who this touches? I am so so sorry.

I see you, I have love for you, I believe you. I’m so sorry you relate to this, because this is agony.