Day 1 on my antidepressants..💊

Yesterday I went to my doctors & spoke about what’s happened. I asked about getting some sleeping tablets & going back onto some antidepressants. Last year I was taking Sertraline for anxiety & depression. I didn’t take them for that long, but I was on them long enough to let them settle in my system & for my body to get used to them. They were not fun. I was a zombie – blank expression, vacant, glassy eyed. I was jumpy as well, startled by the slightest movement, hearing noises that weren’t there, knocks on the door when there was none – & when there was I’d be terrified. I couldn’t bring myself to leave the flat I was living in at the time, & I couldn’t stand answering the door. I would triple check it was locked & I still didn’t feel safe sleeping in my own bed. I was locked inside my own self-built prison & I couldn’t see the way out. The only time I would leave was for a spliff at the end of the road near the corner shop, where I’d also buy milk, tea bags, sugar & bread so I could live off cups of tea & toast. I’d always forget butter & have to ask a neighbour – but everyone seemed to forget the butter so I’d often eat dry toast & only when I had the munchies from the weed I was smoking. Even going out for a joint once in a while would freak me out, & the paranoia would eat me alive if someone suggested smoking it in the flat – I couldn’t afford to lose my place in that flat, what if we’d been caught?

Anyway I did lose that place in the end – but that’s a story for another time. I came off the Sertraline & the drugs & wasn’t on anything for a long time (another story for a different time) & now that my life seems to have fallen to pieces (though this time it’s a lot worse than all of the times before put together) I needed something to keep my head above water.

My doctor offered for me to go back onto the Sertraline but I wasn’t so keen given the experience I had the last time. She suggested these.

Mirtazapine – the lowest dosage to start with. An antidepressant & an antianxiety that helps with sleep issues all in one. Within an hour & a half of taking the first one last night I was dozing off & needed to sleep. My body felt slow & a little floppy & I was struggling to concentrate on what my boyfriend was saying to me. I was asleep within ten minutes of laying in bed. This morning I woke up still feeling strange. It’s now nearly nine at night & I’ve been irritable. I’ve had auditory flashbacks (that was one I hadn’t experienced in a while) & been dipping in & out of feeling annoyed, numb & like I could cry until my tears dried up. I’ve been given 2 weeks worth & instructed to go back to see my doctor in 2 weeks to touch base & so she can give me a repeat prescription. Wish me luck.

Until next time,

Dolly xoxo