What is “lesbian sex”, anyway?
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Like many people in a queer relationship, I regularly find myself in that weird situation where strangers feel entitled to ask invasive questions about my sex life. A favourite is the incredibly broad “what is lesbian sex, anyway?”
Nosy heterosexuals aren’t the only people looking for answers to questions about lesbian sex. As a young bisexual coming to terms with my own sexuality, I had no idea what sex with a woman would entail.
When you Google “lesbian sex”, the entire first page of results are links to X-rated videos, so it’s no surprise that many young queer people end up turning to porn to fill the gaps in their own knowledge and experiences. While the realism of sex in mainstream porn is pretty dubious — and produced mainly to get straight men off — there’s not really anywhere else so easily accessible. Queer communities online often mock porn for its inaccuracies, but that doesn’t mean alternative learning resources are easy to find.
“I didn’t know what would happen [or] what we were going to do, because I understood that porn was mostly inaccurate, but had no [other] frame of reference,” explains Sarah, of the first time she had sex with another woman.
“God knows what I thought lesbian sex was,” says Marina, a bisexual women who has recently begun sleeping with other women. “I think I used to visualise it almost like I was a cis[gender] man when I was a teen.”
These experiences are not uncommon, but the truth can still be pretty confusing, as there are any number of sex acts that can be involved (though on average, fewer manicures). My crowdsourced (and probably extremely incomprehensive) list of most popular components includes oral sex, anal sex, fingering, nipple play, kissing, use of toys, and the much-maligned scissoring.
Non-binary lesbian H describes lesbian sex as “sex between two or more women or woman-aligned people — trans or cis — if they want to call it lesbian. It’s not really defined by acts or participants.”
This is also important: what we tend to refer to as “lesbian sex” often doesn’t involve lesbians alone — it can be sex between any two women of any sexual orientation. As H mentions, non-binary people may also include themselves within this definition. Including trans women under the umbrella of lesbian sex, along with non-binary people who choose to be included (and excluding others who don’t, along with trans men) means that lesbian sex is far broader and more complex than simply sex between two people with vulvas.
The lack of penetration with a penis in the majority of lesbian sexual encounters means a lot of people insist that lesbian sex isn’t “really sex” — whatever the hell that means. Anyway, it’s bullshit. Lesbian sex shouldn’t have to function the same way as sex between a cisgender man and woman to count as “real sex”. Vaginal penetration — whether by hand, with a toy, or with a penis — certainly has a place in lesbian sex, but it’s not always the main event, and that’s more than okay.
The most stereotypical act associated with lesbian sex has to be scissoring, although the debate over whether it ever actually happens in the wild is one that refuses to die. Without wishing to rehash that here and now, it’s important to note that it does indeed happen, but — as with any sex act — it’s definitely not for everyone. Scissoring is the most well-known term, but what most people don’t realise is that it’s actually part of a broader family of sex acts known as tribbing — essentially, rubbing your vulva on someone else’s body for pleasure. Tribbing in positions other than the basic vulva-to-vulva scissoring is a common (and super enjoyable) non-penetrative aspect of a great deal of lesbian sex.
For people whose conception of sex still revolves around the idea of vaginal penetration with a penis to the point of orgasm, the question of knowing how lesbian sex is over can also be a baffling one. Orgasm — whether once, twice, or multiple times — is often still the goal (or at least a possibility), but again, this doesn’t apply to everyone.
“Men often feel like failures if you don’t cum,” Sarah says. “People I’ve [had lesbian sex] with don’t seem to see that as an end-game.”
“There’s less focus on ‘finishing’,” adds Mel, a cis lesbian, of the sex she has with her wife, a non-binary trans woman. “We adapted to what we know we’ll get pleasure out of, not necessarily with the end goal of an orgasm.”
Whilst the sex that Mel and her wife have doesn’t involve two vulvas, it still doesn’t follow the trajectory of stereotypical heterosexual sex. “[My wife] likes to use her dick sometimes,” Mel explains. “It depends on how she’s feeling. What we do most often is I treat it like a big clit,” she adds, noting that stimulation with a wand is a part of sex both of them particularly enjoy.
Another part of lesbian sex that often finds itself shrouded in mystery is safety, and I’ll admit, it can be hard to make safety sexy. However, if you or your partner are unsure of your status, it’s worth the extra effort and may save you some awkward conversations in future. The NHS recommend using condoms to cover dildos and other sex toys, whilst dental dams — sheets of latex or polyurethane, often made by cutting open a condom down the long side — can be used to cover the anus or vulva during oral sex, or as a barrier during tribbing.
I can’t pretend that this whistle-stop tour of the world of lesbian sex has been totally exhaustive, but it’s hard to imagine any guide that ever will be.
“I still can’t define the hard limits of what [lesbian sex] means,” H tells me. “It’s an atmosphere, it’s a vibe!”
At the end of the day, lesbian sex doesn’t have to subscribe to any rules or stereotypes — sex can be whatever you make of it, and different people enjoy very different things. As with anything, the best way to figure out how to have great sex is to learn on the (safe, consensual) job, and remember that no matter what people will have you believe, absolutely no one popped out of the womb able to give mind-blowing orgasms straight away!
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